Views From The Armchair

"Views From The `Footiemad` Armchair
Diary Of A Season May 2005

Sunday 1st May 2005
"Comes the morning and the headlights fade away. Hundred thousand people I'm the one they blame." (Song)
Living Daylights - A-ha: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Spurs last played in the UEFA Cup in 1999-2000 but which German side scored two stoppage time goals to knock them out 2-1 on aggregate?
Kaiserslauten: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

A little bit of controversy to start the final month of the season, although in the grand scale of things, you do wonder if it ultimately would have made much difference. I'm refering to that Paul Scholes, two-footed tackle on Charlton's Dennis Rommedahl that could have been a red card, yet was only a yellow. More will probably be made of it now considering the late sending off of Chris Perry in the same match (`match` not seeming to be a fair discription of the encounter though!) and whilst you can argue until you're blue in the face about whether the result would have been different had Scholes walked, I reckon that ref Dermot Gallagher boobed. Not so much in not sending Scholes off, but by sending Perry off! Critics will argue that Perry had to go `by the letter of the law`. I agree, but in that case, so should Scholes. Had he only booked Perry then whilst it may have been the wrong decision, it would have fallen into the `two wrongs making a right` category. That said, I still reckon United would have won fairly comfortably. Perhaps not 4-0, but easily enough.

A lot has been said of the battle for second place (eliminating a potential August trip to Belarus or Moldova!) and the run-in for fourth place. Equally the sensational relegation dog fight is generating a lot of interest, but how about the competition fighting it out for the UEFA Cup places. I won't go into circumstances, but thanks to UEFA's rocket science rules, seventh place in the Prem will qualify for the UEFA Cup this season and, after today, that is Spurs but only on goal difference after walloping Villa 5-1. So, whilst technically Spurs and Middlesbrough are still in the running for FOURTH place and a CL spot (unless Liverpool win the trophy, but that's another argument!), that really is between Everton, Liverpool and Bolton. BUT, the three remaining UEFA Cup spots involve the three aforementioned clubs, plus Spurs, Boro, Man City (who've made a remarkable surge under Stuart Pearce) and even Charlton despite their traditional end of season collapse. Next weekend Spurs play Boro at the Riverside!! Seventh v Eighth and only ONE GOAL seperating them in the table! Considering the revenue that Europe has the potential to bring in, that game is vital for the medium term of both clubs.

Monday 2nd May 2005
"When I asked for your advice, I didn't mean that you should actually speak." (Film)
The Sum Of All Fears: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Which English club have played just one season in Europe (1970-71) and were knocked out by conceding six in one leg against Bayern Munich in the second round?
Coventry: Correctly answered by Phil Newport

I read in a Sunday paper yesterday that Wayne Rooney had been dropped from an English School's Football Association under-13s match. It would seem that many nationals have picked up the story today and it's made bigger headlines that the election (not that it's any bad thing!). They feel that he's a bad role model and that they wouldn't want kids copying his `poorer` antics on the pitch. Of course, that's not to mention his various extra curricular activities off the field, whether it involves apparent abuse against his girlfriend or visiting certain elderly ladies of the night. In many ways, this `ban` is closing the door after the horse has bolted, especially regarding his on-field displays. Yes he effs and blinds, but so do almost all the players, you only need to look at a game or two over any given weekend to see that, or indeed see one live, especially non-league where the voices can clearly be heard. But of course, because it's Rooney, the stakes are multiplied ten-fold and ultimately kids will be denied the chance to meet such a remarkable talent at face to face (although again, that could save them from being mentally scarred for life!). Seriously though it's a shame that (a) his bad points seem poor enough to take the decision and (b) that such a young star should have even made that many serious on and off field mistakes at the age of 19.

From the mouths of children do truths come - part 178: Whilst looking for a lyric a few days back (I always choose songs/films that I've heard/seen, but often need clarification of the exact wording), I brought up a list of artists on a particular website. My daughter, who tries to answer some of the newer one, was taken great interest in all of this, so naturally I took my time and tried to throw her off the scent. A click later and up came another list with a big name near the top. "Ah," my daughter pipes up, "Victoria Beckham! Are you doing one of her songs?" She asked with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, "Or are you going to do someone famous?" It took me ages to stop laughing!

Tuesday 3rd May 2005
"Monday finds you like a bomb, that's been left ticking there too long. You're bleeding." (Song)
I Saved The World Today - Eurythmics: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

What specifically do Peter Shilton, Steve Ogrizovic, Ray Cashley and Steve Sherwood have in common (apart from their playing positions!)?
All goalkeepers who've scored league goals: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

On paper, West Brom v Arsenal looked as big a mis-match as we were likely to see in the Prem this season, however to their credit, the home side - battling for survival admittedly - huffed and puffed without ever really looking like seriously blowing the Arsenal house in. For their part, the resigning Champions seemed to spend the first half thinking that their opponents should be about to roll over and surrender and the second half actually doing what they do best and eventually scoring twice. So yes, it went to form as the Gunners edge towards avoiding a trip to the unknown next August and the Baggies edge towards playing Leeds again, but in truth, if West Brom didn't have such a sod of a run in, then their fighting qualities might have just been enough to keep them up...but then you could say the same about the other three clubs down there as well really!

Having been off ill from work for over a week (unheard of as far as I'm concerned - first days off ill in seven years!), I was back today and Sods Law dictates that I couldn't get to sleep last night. Now, with having to get up again at stupid o'clock, this wasn't ideal, although I put it down to the World Snooker Final. I was constantly switching between the football and the snooker last night and eventually went up to bed with the score on 16-16 in the first to 18 clash....and then couldn't sleep! The logical thing to do would have been to go downstairs, switch the telly back on and watch it to it's conclusion, but no, human nature dictates that logic flies out of the window and after tossing and turning for what seemed like an age, I must have eventually dropped off. And then off went the alarm clock....

Wednesday 4th May 2005
"I see a ship in the harbour. I can and shall obey. But if it wasn't for your misfortune, I'd be a heavenly person today." (Song)
Blue Monday - New Order: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Liverpool's record win was 11-0 in a Cup Winners Cup game in 1974. But who were the unlucky opponents?
Stomsgodset: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Well that was a tense one eh? Much like the first leg, it was hardly a game full of exciting, free-flowing football, although the second half was infinately better than anything that had gone before, but the sheer tension as the half wore on was almost unbearable, even for neutrals such as yours truly (ok, I had money on a draw and was cheering on Chelsea throughout the second half!) and I can only imagine what it must have been like to have been a fan of either club. The only goal was, at best, controversial, and my first instinct at normal speed was that it didnt cross the line and that view didnt change with all the replays, none of which were decisive. Credit to the ref for allow play to continue after Baros had clearly been clattered by the keeper, but not so much to the linesman who had a similar view to most of the TV cameras and that meant William Gallas effectively blocking the view of the ball as he walloped it to safety. Liverpool diced with death throughout the second half with their constant policy of `men behind ball`, but it paid off - just, although how many hearts skipped a beat when (a) SIX minutes of stoppage time was indicated and then (b) when, five minutes later, Gudjohnsen fizzed that shot across goal! Stunning. Finally, what must it be like to be a Chelsea fan at present? Title winners on Saturday, out of the CL yesterday and more celebrations next weekend when the trophy is presented. High follows low follows high - football in a nutshell really.

Thursday 5th May 2005
"Do another interview, sing a bunch of lies. Talk about celebrities that I despise." (Song)
Come Undone - Robbie Williams: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Milan are the only club to have won the European Cup/Champions League Final by a four goal margin on TWO separate occasions. Who did they beat in each final?

Last night at around 9:30pm, I'm sure I wasn't the only person in the nation to slump back in the chair and raise his eyes to the heavens. Yes, I'm talking about that late Milan goal which broke the hearts of thousands of PSV fans, not to mention a high ratio of other football fans around Europe. The Dutch side had done brilliantly to claw back their 2-0 first leg deficit and if anything it looked as though they could actually grab a winner. At the very least extra time looked a high probability and in truth, that was the very least they deserved, but no, one header, one poor attempt at pushing the ball to safety from the keeper and one back door entry to the Champions League Final. Even after that header though, another PSV goal gave us all belated hope that we might be seeing one of the all time great European comebacks, but sadly it wasn't to be. Whilst Liverpool v Milan makes for an exceptionally attractive final (on paper at least), it's no exaggeration to state that over the two legs between Milan and PSV, the best side may well have lost.

It's General Election Day here in the UK today (You probably noticed!!) and yes, I have voted, as have all my family. In truth, politics bores me stiff and if I were to make one prediction about whoever is in power for the next five years, it'll be that we still have to work and pay taxes! To quote the brilliant Billy Connolly, "The sheer desire to be a politician should automatically ban you from becoming one!"

Friday 6th May 2005
"Well, now you got to where you wanted like I knew you would. Cash, car, house. It's all good." (Song)
It's Okay - Atomic Kitten: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Who were the first team to score eight goals in a Champions League group game?

I'm currently reading a book (The Hundredth Man by Jack Kerley) where the principal character (a police detective) does his `best thinking` whilst in the back of his partner's car! Not quite like myself whose brain seems to work overtime whilst lounging in the bath and it was yesterday, whilst thinking about the current Liverpool/Champions League predicament that an idea came to mind....

I can sympathise a little with UEFA in that their current rules are set in stone, however by their own admission, they could change things for future years, so how about this? The Champions League winners automatically qualify for the group stages the following year. Okay, with me so far? Then, the rest of the competition is made up in exactly the same way as now - i.e four for England and Spain, etc etc. But, if the holders would also qualify via the league, then that nation get an extra place. For example: If Man United win the CL next season AND the Premiership, they'll qualify for the group stages as holders and then the clubs in positions 2-5 in the league also qualify instead of simply the top four and that would go for whichever nation the holders come from. All it means is one extra team in ever future CL competition, so maybe an extra preliminary qualifying round between the lower clubs or a game between the San Marino champions and their Leichtenstein counterparts would be needed, that would be down to UEFA. However, somone there managed to dream up the total and utter mess that is the UEFA Cup this season, so one extra team in the CL should be a cake walk!

Okay, I'll bet that a large number of people have been faced with the following situation. I was giving my wife her physio the other evening (bear with me here!!) and caught half an hour of The Last Emporer that she was watching on DVD. I'd never seen it and in truth, it's not really my thing, however one actor kept making an appearance - not a main character, but obviously fairly central to the story - and I recognised him straight away as having been in something else that I'd seen....but I couldn't think what!! Now, from experience it's usually something that I've seen quite recently, which was out as I'd only really seen Ring Two at the cinema in the last couple of weeks and no films at home at all, or something that I've watched on several occasions in the past. For almost an hour I racked my brain to think of where I'd seen him and eventually gave up and cheated and did a cross-check on the Internet Movie Database where the answer was finally revealed as Tremors! The human brain in that respect is much like Windows 98 on a bad day. It'll save endless pieces of info, often from months or years back, but when you need to retrieve it, it'll only give you half the bloody info!!

Saturday 7th May 2005
"He passed away two weeks ago and one week ago he bought the land! That's unusual." (Film)
Chinatown: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

West Brom's last win at Old Trafford was in a famous high scoring encounter in December 1978. What was the final score on that occasion?
Man United 3 West Brom 5: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

I've been following football since the mid 70s and I cannot recall any season where the bottom four clubs were packed so tight on the final day, to the extent that none have yet been relegated and any of the four could yet survive. Yes, after another nerve shreading afternoon, there are just two points between the bottom four clubs, three of which will go down after their final matches next Sunday. Remember last week when Southampton leapt from bottom to 17th in one match? It happened again today, this time with Norwich repeating the feat with a win at home to Birmingham. Saints drop down with Palace after the pair drew 2-2 at Selhurst. Danny Higginbotham, who netted an own goal last week, scored at the right end in the final seconds this week to earn what could be a vital draw! Remember 15 months ago when Leeds draw 1-1 at Old Trafford yet other results sent them bottom (I remember it well as I was at the wedding of a Man United fan on the day!)? It happened again today as West Brom did the same, albeit courtesy of a penalty that they would have been lucky to get at The Hawthorns, let alone Old Trafford!! All told, the final day will be absolutely fascinating and edge of the seat stuff next Sunday and surely Sky will concentrate on that with their multi channel last day coverage.

As for the Champions League, Everton are within touching distance and need just a point from their final two game to clinch fourth place. Equally, Liverpool must beat Arsenal at Highbury tomorrow to stay in touch and that won't be easy at the Gunners know that a win will put them to within a point of second place after United screwed up again today. Of course, the argument rages on about fourth place if Liverpool win the CL, but Everton players and fans cannot concern themselves with that and it shouldn't detract from what has been arguably the biggest changearound in any one Prem club over the last year. It really would be so unlucky for them if they missed out on that chance to play in Europe's biggest club competition. But if Liverpool do with the CL, I fear that's what will happen.

Sunday 8th May 2005
"The sirens are screaming, and the fires are howling way down in the valley tonight." (Song)
Bat Out Of Hell - Meatloaf: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Wigan's first ever Division four game in 1978 was against which club, themselves recently disappointed after coming close to regaining league status?

Well, well. Wigan in the Premiership! Who'd have thought it? Next season though it'll be a reality as the club who were non-league until 1978, will play the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and Man United in the same division after an amazing rise through the divisions. Today's 3-1 win against Reading sealed promotion and although most of the fun in the second half came from awaiting results from elsewhere that constantly changed the relegation picture, Wigan rarely looked in any danger despite the odd chance for the visitors. Credit to boss Paul Jewell, back again after guiding Bradford into the top flight a few years back and to owner Dave Whelan who bought the club ten years ago and totally transformed it with new players and a new stadium. He's apparently making �25m available in the summer for signings and Jewell may well need it to avoid the club becoming another Swindon or Barnsley as a one-season-wonder and I sincerely hope that they can make a go of it. Whilst Wimbledon joined the league the year before Wigan, their rise to the top flight was infinitely more dramatic and quick, however you cannot underestimate what's been done at Wigan and it remains a remarkable achievement for all involved. Finally, to put some perspective on this. In May 1978, whilst Liverpool were beating Bruges at Wembley to lift the European Cup, Wigan won promotion into the league via the old re-election system, however (and get this!) they didn't actually win the former Northern Premier League that season!! They finished second behind Boston but were elected into the league for cumulative high finishes in preceding seasons.

Well, well. Everton in the Champions League! Who'd have thought it? Yes, I know we have the ongoing saga of `What If?` Liverpool should win the competition in two and a half weeks, but until then, their great local rivals have effectively qualified for Europe's premiere club competition for the first time since the major re-vamp in the early 90s. Arsenal still need a point to clinch second place after beating Liverpool 3-1, but unless they lose both remaining games and Man United win their two, that won't be relevant anyway and the Gunners also have a superior goal difference. But the headlines should belong to Everton who at the start of the campaign were many people's favourites to go down. David Moyes and his players have undoubtedly been the surprise package of the season and you can only admire the way they've turned things around in twelve months and it would be great to see them qualify for the group stages next season.

Incidentally, back in August when I made my team by team predictions for the coming season, this was my take on Everton: RELEGATION PROBABLES: Despite the heroics of Wayne Rooney in the summer, one man does not make a good team and that will surely be proved this season with Everton. They'll score a few goals, but in general are likely to concede more and in truth, anything better than a relegation dogfight will be a bonus. Ultimately, like Leeds last season, I fear for them and this could just be the campaign that breaks their proverbial backs and ends their long unbroken top flight lives

Monday 9th May 2005
"It cries like a baby in a cradle all night. It swings, it jives. It shakes all over like a jelly fish." (Song)
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

Gillingham were relegated yesterday, but when they were promoted in 2000, which manager guided them into (the old) Division One and then left a month later?

I'm not a great one for predicting, mainly as I'm usually miles away from being right, however when I read that Southampton are appealing against the red card handed out to Peter Crouch on Saturday, then my initial thought was `not a chance`. Prior to this season, he wouldn't be banned until the start of the new campaign, however with the FA's new `instant justice` proceedure, straight red cards means that the ban begins straight away, ruling Crouch out of the vital final game against Man United. You can't blame Southampton for trying to clutch at straws, especially when Prem survival is at stake, however Crouch firstly tried to kick Palace's Gonzola Sorondo and then pushed him to the ground and in a climate where you simply cannot raise your hands, that's a sending off offence. For once, I hope I'm wrong, but at tomorrow's hearing, I would be amazed if the red was overturned.

Aren't banks great? They hold your money for you, pay by debit debit so you don't need to remember each month and they also give you interest on any pennies left over! And then there's the other side....
I had to ring our bank today about something minor and whilst I could have easily walked into town to do it, a phone call is far more convenient, or so I thought! According to the phone book, all branches in our area have the identical local rate number which is probably in India or New Zealand for all I know, so I rang this number and after a couple of rings, I was connected, but no surprise that it wasn't a real voice....

Automated Voice: You are through to XX Bank. Are you an existing bank customer? Press 1 for YES, 2 for NO (I press 1)
Thank You. To help us deal more efficiently with your call, please listen to the following options. (There then follows a list, none of which really comes close to my query, so I press nothing and hold on)
Please enter your account number on your telephone keypad (I do as requested)
Please enter the first digit of your five-digit security number (HUH???)
(After a few seconds): Please enter the first digit of your five-digit security number (I heard you the first time but can't enter the first digit when I don't even have a five-digit security number!! I then put the phone down to ensure that I still have some hair left on my head)
I later discover that if you press 1 for existing customer, it then assumes that you are registered with their telephone banking service, which we are NOT as we do almost all of our banking online or in the flesh at the bank, the latter of which I ended up doing today!!

Tuesday 10th May 2005
"Now this mountain I must climb, feels like the world upon my shoulders. Through the clouds I see love shine, it keeps me warm as life grows colder." (Song)
I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

What record does Jeff Whitefoot hold for Manchester United?

Isn't in strange how often football throws up little quirks of fate which fiction writers would have trouble making their readers believe. Remember last season and Arsenal clinching their title at local rivals Spurs of all places? It could have happened anywhere, but fate dictated at their biggest rivals. A couple of years prior to that, they won the title at their nearest (and bitterest?) league rivals when a Sylvain Wiltord goal won it at Old Trafford! Again, it could have been anywhere but of all places, it was there! Back in 2000, Man United set two new Prem records for a 38 game season with the most number of points (91) and most wins (28). On Saturday, Chelsea equalled both when they beat Charlton and tonight have the chance to break both when they travel to....Old Trafford! You couldn't make it up could you?

Like many other wearers of glasses, I'm pretty blind without mine with everything a blur of colours unless I'm literally inches away and for that reason, I always keep a spare pair in the car. Two incidents yesterday proved the point. Firstly, when I woke up awarded myself a huge pre-getting up stretch and managed to knock my glasses off the bedside table and sailing across the room. A process of feeling around and watching where I was stepping eventually found them on top of my clothes. Later in the day whilst I was lounging (and thinking) in the bath, my wife had the great idea of cleaning my glasses with one of her alcohol wipes. Sadly, she forgot to bring them into the bathroom, resulting in me battling back to the living room, thankful that I knew the layout of the house to avoid falling over anything, although that ginger blob that turned out to be one of the cats didn't help by insisting on walking around my feet as I was making my way through! The wipes did the trick and they came up sparkling, so I better not say too much!

Wednesday 11st May 2005
"I see the world as a candy store. With a cigarette smile saying things you can't ignore." (Song)
God Is A DJ - Pink: Correctly answered by Helen Lloyd

In 1999, West Ham won the FA Youth Cup with a 9-0 aggregate win over Coventry, however just two of their starting XI are still playing regular Prem football. Which two?
Joe Cole (Chelsea) and Michael Carrick (Spurs): Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Anyone who doubted Chelsea's title winning credentials would surely think again after the new Champions won 3-1 at Old Trafford last night. I must admit that after that opening ten minutes or so, I thought that Chelsea were likely to be walloped after Ronaldo had two chances and Van Nisterooy scored. However, I guess they aren't Champions for nothing and after equalising - great strike as well from Tiago - they rarely looked like slipping up, especially after taking the lead. It's worth remembering that this was done without Petr Cech (although Cudicini is one hell of a replacement) and John Terry, not to mention others that were unavailable for various reasons (Drogba, Bridge, Kezman etc). No, this was a display worthy of title winners and, unlike previous Champions, they show little sign of easing off despite having little left but pride to play for, so credit for that. Finally, ten out of ten for United for giving Chelsea a Guard of Honour to reciprocate what other clubs have done for them in the past, but what a shame that the Old Trafford crowd couldn't have been more gracious. I appreciate that losing out on the title hurts, especially having been used to success in recent years, but surely a few seconds of applause rather than jeers wouldn't have hurt? Hopefully it'll be remembered this time next year if United clinch the league.

Thursday 12th May 2005
"Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne." (Film)
Deer Hunter: Correctly answered by KirstyMD

During that 92-93 season refered to below, Norwich were hammered 7-1 away to which club early in the campaign?
Blackburn: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

We see it time and time again in football. One (or both!) teams go goal crazy in the first half of a match and then the second is as dull as a General Election, witness the recent Southampton v Norwich game as an example. So last night, with Arsenal 3-0 ahead at the break against Everton and yours truly struggling to keep his eyes open, I was seriously tempted to go to bed knowing that the outcome was surely beyond doubt. Now, I don't know whether it was sixth sense or just plain common sense, but something told me to give it another few minutes and see how it goes. So I did and 45 minutes and four goals later, I was glad of it as well! Arsenal were absolutely awesome and it's worth remembering that they weren't up against relegation fodder, they were playing a side who are effectively the fourth best in the league this season and whose goal difference was wiped out over 90 minutes. Indeed, if they lose their final game, they'll `do a Norwich` and have a minus goal difference despite a high finish (Norwich were third in 92-93 with a minus GD). Hopefully David Moyes will have learnt a thing or two about his team and where they need improving because if they meet an in-form, European giant in the CL next season, we could have a repeat showing of last night's Slaughter of the Innocents. Ironically, I was watching Sky News during the afternoon and they interviewed some Everton fans before the left for London and one stated that they were there to enjoy it and celebrate their CL qualification and that he "didn't care if we lose 10-0!" I wonder what he was thinking when the goals started flying in!

Friday 13th May 2005
"Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools. Believe them to be true. Don't care to think them through." (Song)

Man United's first FA Cup success was in 1908, but at which ground was the final played?

The Malcolm Glazer takeover of Man United looks to be well on it's way, sparking hoards of United fans to take to the streets and burn their season ticket renewal forms. Yesterday, I was very much in the `give him a chance` boat, however the more I read, the more it looks bad for the club, or maybe it's just that too much info can be a bad thing. I know very little of him aside from what I've read in the papers over the last day or so, however fears that his sole interest is the bottom line of the balance sheet seem to be most common theme in all the reports that I've read, along with his apparent desire to use borrowed money to plough into the club and then sell assets (Rooney, Rio, Ruud VN) to regain in. Ticket price hikes are also on the cards and the fact that he allegedly knows nothing about football is equally a concern. Should all that come to fruition, then certainly the fans have every right to be worried. The fact that all this has happened AFTER the last home game of the season is surely no coincidence, although with a worldwide audience watching the FA Cup Final in just over a week could be the idea way to make a mass protest. If it harms football long term, then I would also be against it, however the one down point from the fans protest is the "Die, Glazer, Die" chants that I heard on Sky News yesterday. However much they dislike the guy, that was too low to gain any additional sympathy from outsiders.

Saturday 14th May 2005
"They say hey little boy you can't go, where the others go. 'Cause you don't look like they do." (Song)

Who was Ipswich manager for four years in the early 90s having previously spent over a decade in charge at West Ham?
John Lyall: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Should West Ham fail to make the play-off final, many of the players, officials and of course, fans, will be wondering that eternal question of "What If?" Against Ipswich today they dominated the early stages and were two within fifteen minutes and by half time it could have easily been doubled. Instead, one of the freak goals of the season - free kick, deflected off the wall, hit the post, hit the diving keepers foot and went in - brought Ipswich back into it and from that monent on, you always felt that the visitors would get something from the game. But even then, Hammers were the instigators of their own downfall as keeper Jimmy Walker and defender Anton Ferdinand both went, unchallenged apart from each other, for a looping ball, got in each other's way and allowed Shefti Kuqi to level matters. Did the keeper call for the ball? Did Ferdinand, who was right under it, give a shout? Who knows, but it doesn't change the fact that West Ham now have an uphill struggle to reach the final with the second leg at Portman Road in midweek. But, that said, the Londoners have won away at Ipswich this season, as well as both promoted clubs, so it's not a forgone conclusion. But if they don't do it, "What If....". Oh, one final thing. I wonder just what was said between the two managers just before half time, especially with Joe Royle clearly telling Alan Pardew to `show some respect`. I guess we'll have to wait for the autobiographies.

Sunday 15th May 2005
"Out where the river broke, the bloodwood and the desert oak. Holden wrecks and boiling diesels. Steam in forty five degrees." (Song)

Which three clubs were relegated from the very first Prem season in 1992-93?
Crystal Palace, Middlesbrough & Nottm Forest: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Well, that was some last day in the Prem! With the title all sewn up two weeks ago, the focus fell on the bottom and the four clubs battling to keep out of the three relegation places. I watched the Norwich game at Fulham and felt at half time that they were unlucky in so much that they had the better of the first half an hour, had a goal ruled out and had two good penalty shouts turned down. The second Fulham goal changed all of that and in the ten minutes between Diop scoring and half time, Norwich keeper Robert Green made four good saves. After that, it was one way traffic and Norwich were lambs to the slaughter as they slumped towards the Championship (or whatever they'll call it next season!). It's a shame as I like the club and would have loved to see them stay up, but that's football. If not Norwich, then my next bet would have been Southampton who, for a long while, looked as though they might just do it, despite only drawing with Man United. Goals elsewhere and a United winner condemned Saints to the second teir for the first time in almost thirty years and it will be strange not to see them in the top division. The one side that I didn't want to remain in the Prem was Crystal Palace, however for eleven horrifying minutes when they led 2-1 at Charlton, they were in pole position, however a late Addicks leveller soothed my nerves and sent Palace back from wence they came. I've nothing against Iain Dowie, I'm just not a huge fan of the club. So, West Brom were the club that re-wrote Prem history by staying up despite being bottom at Christmas (the first side ever to do so since the 1992 reformation) and, more to the point, despite being bottom this morning! They needed to beat Portsmouth and hope that the other trio of clubs all slipped up and that's exactly what happened against all the odds. Fair play to Bryan Robson who was jeered by the fans after a poor start as boss but finally won them over and has somehow turned matters around and gone from zero to hero in five or so months! All told, an amazing afternoon's viewing and you can only feel for the fans of those who went down today (I was in that position a year ago!). The entire experience was nerve-wracking enough from the armchair for a neutral so it must have been hellish to know your club was involved. Finally, I was grateful for Sky's little `As It Stands` pop-up which appeared after each goal from any of the four games. They were going in at such a rate on occasions that it was tricky to keep up!

Monday 16th May 2005
"Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you." (Film)
Shrek 2: Correctly answered by KirstyMD

Sheffield Wednesday appeared in the UEFA Cup in 1992-93, which German team knocked them out?

When you ask people whether they like or dislike the play offs, I'm in the `like` catagory, although usually only because it extends the season by two weeks and creates some wonderful excitement - usually! With Sky showing all 15 play off games this season, I've managed to sit through all six so far and really only the West Ham v Ipswich match has raised above and beyond any level or normality. The other five have been okay at best and mediocre at worst, although perhaps I'm doing the clubs involved an injustice. As it's only the first legs, you can maybe forgive any team for playing it tight and not allowing themselves to get beaten by a landslide. Equally, clubs are not going to go hell for leather in the first leg if they are level or only a goal behind, especially any away side and it's significant that out of the first six games, not one away team have won. Tonight sees the start of the second legs when, last season, all kinds of excitement happened. We await with interest and live in hope...

Tuesday 17th May 2005
"Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful." (Song)

In the 1979 FA Cup Final, Arsenal beat Man United 3-2, but which goalscorer later went on to play for the opponents?
Frank Stapleton: Correctly answered by Marcus Ellis

I don't know whether it's me or not, but there doesn't seem to be as much hype surrounding the build up to the FA Cup Final as usual, made all the more surprising by it being Arsenal v Man United. Whilst the media are clearly making sure that something appears on the back pages, in general, the actual game is being overshadowed by `other factors`. Okay, so the injury to Thierry Henry is directly relevant to the final, however the bigger picture seems to be dominated by the Glazer take over and possible demonstration from the United fans and, on the Arsenal side of things, the Ashley Cole `tapping up` hearing. Maybe this will be a good thing as the week before the final is usually dominated with interviews with some of the (fringe) players stating how they hope to be involved and how they need to win to avoid ending the season without silverware. In other words, space fillers. Yes, the Cole hearing and Glazer takeover could not have been better planned!!

I had a great conversation last week with a foreign chap who runs a local company and has papers from the shop where I work. He came in as usual and collected his weekly batch of publications and said that he would be ringing up later to change the order, which I said would be fine. True to his word, he called half an hour later and I was the lucky one to answer the phone. Now, whilst he is foreign, his English is actually extremely impressive and whilst I had no problems understanding him, he had a few with me. Having told me of the changes he wanted to make with no problems at all, it then went downhill slightly....

Customer: Thank you for doing that for me.
Me: No problem at all.
Customer: May I take your name, just in case I need to get in touch again?
Me: Of course. My name is Gary.
Customer: That's excellent, thank you DAVE!
Me: No, my name is Gary. G-A-R-Y.
Customer: Oh, I'm sorry, thank you again DAVE
And then he put the phone down!!
I guess I now know how Rodney feels from Only Fools and Horses!!

Wednesday 18th May 2005
"When you decide, don't let me down. Cause there's nothing to be certain in my life and you've seen a thousand times." (Song)

Which FA Cup Final goalscorer from the 80s later became Hartlepool manager for a brief spell in the 90s?

Even whilst watching a game as a total neutral (not really worrying who wins), I tend to start taking allegiances during the game based on various events. By half time of last night's Tranmere v Hartlepool game, I had become a temporary Tranmere fan due to Hartlepool's game plan of getting eight men behind the ball and hold onto their first leg advantage. It almost worked as well until the final twenty minutes when a free kick that went in off post and keeper and a superb strike from the sub sent the game to extra time, leaving me with a dilemma of taping it and going onto bed or staying with it. Ultimately I split the difference and watched the first period of extra time before my eyelids became like tonne weights and I hit the sack, videoing the rest. I just about had enough time to watch the rest before work this morning, however during the penalty shoot out, I wasn't fussed on the antics of the home keeper, John Achterberg, and his constant time wasting tactics (for which he was eventually booked) and suddenly switched my `support` to Hartlepool. The shoot out as always was nerve shreading, although my one abiding memory of the game will be that of Jason McAteer in tears having been subbed early on due to concussion.

Maybe I'm strange, but I'm a great one for looking in shop windows that have those ads from people, usually written on postcards, advertising anything from spin dryers for sale to gardener available for any work. It's a sort of poor mans Ebay without the last second bidding! Yesterday however, I saw a ad to top all ads on a A4 size piece of paper as someone tried to sell a household article that they clearly have no more need for. Yes, it was the good old Betamax video recorder!! Effectively obselete by the mid 80s when VHS became standard fare, it might appeal to collectors I suppose, but very few others! It's still there today when I went by, so if anyone is interested, let me know and I'll pass the number on!!

Thursday 19th May 2005
"How could you ever be so cold? To go behind my back and call my friend. Boy you must have gone and bumped your head. Because you left her number on your phone." (Song)

When Ipswich were last promoted in 1999-2000, who was their leading goalscorer with 22 league goals?

The Ipswich play off curse has struck again as West Ham's proverbial "What If?" question was handsomely confined to the bin last night. Not only did Ipswich finish third in the table, which in itself is usually a sure-fire guarantee that you'll NOT win the play-offs, but they also seemed jinxed regarding these end of season games as they've now been in seven play offs and lost six I believe! In truth they had the better of the early stages against the Hammers last night, however they were restricted to long range efforts that were of more danger to those with behind the goal tickets. After that, West Ham were at least their equal and looked the better side in the second half and it was no great surprise to see them score twice, both from Bobby Zamora, the second of which was very Bergkamp-esq. Maybe this will mark a turning point for the striker who was unstoppable at Brighton in the lower leagues, rarely used at Spurs and, at best, disappointing for the Hammers, so with Teddy Sheringham surely close to retirement, Zamora could yet become the new Defoe. West Ham will now face either Preston or Derby, likely to be the latter, for a place in the Prem and on last night's showing, you wouldn't bet against them. Finally, it must now be Ipswich asking, "What If?" and in general, "What If they'd have won just two of their 13 drawn games this season? Easy, they'd be in the Prem instead of Wigan.

Friday 20th May 2005
"Promise you won't kidnap me and my brother and plant stuff in our brains?" (Film)
The Family Man: Correctly answered by KirstyMD

When Preston last reached the play off final in 2000-01, which club, now themselves in the Prem, did they beat on penalties in the semi finals?

As an exciting spectacle for neutral fans, last night's Derby v Preston game was down there with mowing the lawn and peeling spuds, however Preston fans everywhere will not give a stuff about entertainment value this morning as ultimately they won a place in the play off final with the goalless draw. With the wonderful benefit of hindsight, the game was won at Deepdale last weekend, with the second goal - the one which went through the keeper's hands - really killing it off and Derby rarely looked like recovering a two goal deficit at all last night. That said, if we put things into a little more perspective, both clubs have improved massively since last season, especially Derby who were just one point above the drop zone a year ago! That will be scant consolation for their fans at the moment, although they can surely look ahead to next season with a feeling of optimism rather than dread. As for Preston, they've been in the final before and lost, as have West Ham, so a new experience beckons for one of them on May 30th and I still have a sneaky feeling for the Hammers, but then I also predicted relegation for Everton this season!! Finally, isn't it ironic that the two finalists are the clubs that finished 5th and 6th in the league, although that's probably not a first by any means.

Saturday 21st May 2005
"I tried to hold you back but you were stronger. Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight." (Song)

Prior to today, which two clubs fought out the last goalless draw in an FA Cup Final?

It's now 8pm at the end of a day that included a history making cup final and I'm just a tad pi**ed off! You see, whilst working in the shop today, I lost count of the number of customers that asked, "Who's gonna win today then Gary?" My answer was constant with, "I hope Arsenal, I think Man United, but as long as it doesn't go to extra time, then I don't mind either way!" The rest of course, is history! You see, as with every other Saturday, I havr to go back to work at 5pm for an hour to help lock up and put out wodden security shutters up and that meant missing extra time and of course, penalties. So, as we had the first FA Cup Final goalless draw since the year that the Titanic went down, the second ever red card in the final and the first ever shoot out, I was outside with keys and padlock, saving th shop windows from the night-youth that roam. My car was literally opposite and I was tempted to sit there and listen to the shoot out, however instead I had my daughter in the shop listening to the non-sport newsagent radio station who were giving out irregular updates and she would then nip out and tell me that, "Four penalties have been missed and Arsenal are just ahead!" Right.....! Ultimately, I was inside when they announced that Patrick Vieira was about to step up and if he scored, it was all over. He did of course and both myself and the Southampton fan who works Saturday afternoon beamed broad smiles as United end the season winning the same as Leeds - nothing!

For all that, United must be absolutely gutted as certainly during normal time, they totally dominated and didn't deserve to lose. The woodwork was hit twice, shots at goal must have been close to twenty (compared to Arsenal's four or five) and when I got back to the shop at 5pm, I did say that if Arsenal eventually won, it would be daylight robbery. But that's football and while the final will hardly go down as a classic (Equally, it was by no means the worst I've seen either), it will be remembered for the sending off of Reyes, the penalty shoot out and the fact that United will wonder just how they fail to score and lift trophy themselves. I wonder what Mt Glazer and Sons thought of it, assuming they were watching of course. Finally, imagine my face at 2:45pm, fifteen minutes before kick off, when we had an absolute downpour outside, including an almighty clap of thunder, at which time the electric went off! Thankfully it was back on within seconds, but it felt a hell of a lot longer!!

Sunday 22nd May 2005
"You know, identical twins are never really identical. There is always one that is prettier, and the other one does all the work." (Film)
Single White Female: Correctly answered by KirstyMD

In 1986, which club slipped from top of the SPL to second on the final day as Celtic overtook them on goal difference?

For years, the SPL has been the subject of some flak about how one club, usually Celtic or Rangers, generally walks away with the title well before the run in - a bit like Chelsea this season. Today, that myth was shattered, at least for one year, as it all went down to the final day and, as it turned out, the last three minutes! My Scottish side, Celtic, held pole position and a win at Motherwell would have clinched the title. If they slipped, then Rangers needed to win at Hibs to take top spot as they were two points adrift with a better goal difference. I'd actually forgotten all about it as I was watching the FA Trophy Final, so when I took a peek on Teletext with around fifteen minutes of the Scottish season left, both clubs were 1-0 up and it looked like Celtic were home and dry. I listened to the final stages in the car as I had to collect my wife and daughter and couldn't quite believe it when Motherwell equalised! Worse followed as Celtic threw the proverbial kitchen sink into attack and were caught by another goal. Rangers however didn't falter and held on to clinch arguably the most dramatic title finale in almost two decades in Scotland. Somehow I felt something similar would happen when the rumours started about Martin O'Neill leaving and Gordon Strachan taking over. The former will probably happen soon, the latter may well follow.

The aforementioned FA Trophy followed a similar vein to yesterday's FA Cup Final in that extra time and penalties were needed to decide the winner. Ultimately, red hot favourites Grays triumphed over outsiders Hucknell with a 6-5 shoot out victory after a 1-1 draw in normal time. But of course the main difference between the two finals was that today, both clubs appeared that they wanted to win the match, whereas yesterday only one did!

Monday 23rd May 2005
"And I remember how we'd play simply waste the day away. Then we'd say nothing would come between us two dreamers." (Song)
Our House - Madness: Correctly answered by KMD

Which was the first city to host a European Cup Final twice?

It's almost gone unnoticed what with the end of the season and FA Cup Final, however England's `end of season` tour of America is rapidly approaching and whilst `tour` seems too extravagant a word for two games, the squad continues to be interesting. Stateside fans expecting to see the likes of Man United stars such as Rio Ferdinand, Gary Neville and Wayne Rooney will be sorely disappointed, however the likes of Peter Crouch, Kieron Richardson and Zat Knight, not to mention new arrival Luke Young will be on show. Now, as much as I accept that youngsters and fringe players need to be given a run out, it's hardly likely to be wholly representitive of the squad that will go to Germany next summer, and why? Because it's the end of a long, hard season for most players and, quite rightly, they are glad for a break and rest, hence the withdrawl of so many big names. Therefore, if anyone can see the logic in `end of season` tours across a four hour time zone, I'll be glad to hear it.

When my daughter asked if I could help her with a jigsaw puzzle the other day, I agreed, albeit with a mixture of dread and anticipated boredom. I've not done a puzzle for ages, apart from the 15-piece ones for toddlers with pieces that resembled logs. So, when a 200-piece Goosebumps puzzle was plonked in front of me, I wondered what I'd let myself in for, however it was surprisingly enjoyable. Having done all the outside pieces first, we began the arduous task of the remainder and from the box, it looked fairly straightforward as we had a skeleton, a mummy, a couple of monsters and what looked to me like an overgrown hamster (Apparently it's called Furball!), all of which were different colours. In practice though it wasn't quite as simple, especially when I realised that the puzzle itself is around 50% bigger than the identical picture on the box, therefore each piece is far more detailed that it looks on the guide. However, we did complete it with the obligatory moment of panic when we lost a piece and eventually found it under the table. All told, it took around an hour and a half which I thought was excellent as it clearly stated "Eight Years Plus" on the box! (I know, the old ones are the best!)

Tuesday 24th May 2005
"This is gonna take a long time and I wonder what's mine. Can't take no more. Wonder if you'll understand ." (Song)
Only You - Yazoo: Correctly answered by Marcus Ellis

Which player scored for Liverpool in a European Cup Final and promptly retired from football after the game?

Pop quiz hot shot! When was the last decent, exciting Champions League Final? Last years was okay, albeit somewhat one-sided and the 1999 Final was dramatic as regards the finale, but in general, the vast majority of finals in the past couple of decades have been lacklustre with the fear factor taking over as clubs seem frightened to lose. Now, I'm not naive enough to expect a repeat of the early finals when Real Madrid freely walloped in goals left, right and centre, but it would be nice to have a free-flowing, attacking game with clubs trying to win rather that being happy to avoid defeat. So, tomorrow night, Liverpool and Milan have the chance to change all that, but will they? I'll do a prediction tomorrow, but for now, have a look at these stats in one of the papers today.
Average goals per CL game 2004-5: Liverpool 1.25, Milan 1.5
Shots per CL game 2004-5: Liverpoool 8.67, Milan 9
Doesn't look promising does it? However, before we all get depressed and decide to watch Celebrity Love Island instead, remember before the 2001 UEFA Cup Final when all the talk was how it was likely to be the most boring final ever? Well it ended Liverpool 5 Alaves 4 - there's hope!!

The big news story doing the rounds is the three sisters aged 16, 14 and 12 who have all had babies at such a tender age. Today, one of the fathers (aged 15!) has come forward and there is likely to be more uproar from various factions about underage sex and sex education at school and (PLEASE NOTE!) at home!!! However, from the whole sorry tale, three things spring to mind. Firstly that people are still shocked at these sort of stories. Secondly, that the girls and their Mum are happy to go public with the story in the first place, I mean, I wouldn't want it plastered all over the papers if I were in their position. Finally, I take solice in the fact that whilst they are getting �31,000 a year in benefits, this cannot do anything about sleepless nights, toddlers having tantrums and crappy (literally) nappies! Swings and roundabouts.

Wednesday 25th May 2005
"Never wiser than when we're children. They say it and it's true. We'll never see things that clear again." (Film)
Arlington Road: Correctly answered by KirstyMD

Who was Liverpool manager when they won their fourth European Cup in 1984?

The big day finally arrives! Almost 20 years to the day after their last European Cup Final appearance, Liverpool face up to the mighty Milan - two European giants going head to head. The first thing of note is that neither won their respective leagues this season and if Liverpool do manage to become the first English winners in six years, then it'll be somewhat ironic that they've not won the domestic league for fifteen!! So, prediction time arrives and I put my head on the proverbial block ready for a backlash when it goes horribly wrong. My heart says that Liverpool will sneak it with a narrow win, probably 1-0 or 2-1, however with my Worzel Gummidge style football head on, I've a nasty feeling that it'll be a goalless draw with shots at goal few and far between. Oh, and Milan to win on penalties with their keeper doing a repeat of the final at Old Trafford a couple of years ago when both stoppers thought it within the laws to move six yards off of their lines before the kick was taken.

Thursday 26th May 2005
"We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall. Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all." (Song)
The Final Countdown - Europe: Correctly answered by kirstymd

Prior to last night, which club were the last to score three in a Champions League/European Cup Final and not win?

I told you my predictions were crap! Yesterday's tips were hopelessly wrong, although I did get the penalties bit right, even if the winners were incorrect. However, that aside, WHAT A FINAL!!!! With the benefit of hindsight, the best thing that happened was an early Milan goal, although at the time Liverpool would not have agreed, but by half time, it was simply a matter of "How many would Milan win by?" What followed could not have been scripted, or if it had have been, it would have been discarded as being too far-fetched. Milan sat back on their three goal lead and in a seven minute goal blitz, Liverpool amazingly pulled level, leaving me and I daresay many other fans, bouncing around in living rooms everywhere like Zebedee with a firework up his jacksee. It was truly astonishing and it needs to be remembered that this was not a Sunday league team we're talking about, but one of the best clubs in Europe! Full credit should go to Liverpool for going for it in the second half and ultimately reaping the highest reward, although when it went into extra time, my thoughts were a mixture of, " Not going to bed yet!" and "Oh hell, that's the papers late in the morning!" The latter wasn't eased when penalties arrived, although a superb double save late on by Jerzy Dudek is certainly worthy of a mention. Thanks to an early Milan miss, Liverpool were always on top in the shoot out and that's the way an incredible night ended, with glory for Liverpool, albeit in the most unexpected circumstances. My wish from Tuesday had been well and truly granted. All that remains is to see whether the Champions of Europe are allowed to defend their trophy next season. Over to you UEFA and FA.

A couple of days ago, the newsagents radio station that we have in the shop contacted us to ask if someone would do the on air newspaper review this morning. (Un)luckily for me, I was the only one there at the time so I agreed. What followed was two days of a little voice in my head asking all sorts of questions - Will it be live? What if I clam up? How much time would I have between them ringing me and going on air? What if the papers are late? This last question was particularly relevant considering last night's events and, true to form, they naturally held all the papers back to include the match report and we had ours almost 45 minutes late. Hence a mad rush to get them in and sort out the paperkids' rounds before that elusive phone call, which eventually came at 6:15am - five minutes prior to broadcast! Although I was as nervous as anything, the DJ made it easy and having agreed on two stories each (mine was the football (!!) and the new BBC weather maps which might be scrapped after ten days!), we did it! Apparently I came across very well and informed and they've asked me if I'd be interested in another go at a later date, which I've agreed to, however despite the apparent cool exterior, inside I was shaking like a leaf and that voice - Don't swear, it's a live broadcast! Nice experience though and the first time is always the worst.

And Finally.....

Well folks, that's another season done and dusted. Chelsea and Liverpool are undoubtedly the teams of the season, whilst Arsenal and in particular, Man United, will look back on a largely disappointing campaign, including yet another flop in Europe. Leeds were crap again for the third season in a row, only this time it was against a lower quality of opposition and without checking, I wonder if we were the only team to fail to score against bottom club Rotherham. As always, it's been hugely enjoyable doing the diary and I thank everyone for their comments (most of which never appear on site, well not directly anyway!) and to those who took the time to send in answers. The play-offs remain ahead of us this weekend, however I'm missing all three games due to circumstances out of my control, so it's best to sign off on a high! All things being equal, the diary will be back at the start of August for the new season, which culminates in the World Cup. In the meantime, I'm off to see what odds I can get on Scotland! Not winning it of course, but failing to qualify!

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