Views From The Armchair

"Views From The `Footiemad` Armchair
Diary Of A Season May 2004

Saturday 1st May 2004
"I try to discover, a little something to make me sweeter. Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart." (Song)

Paulo Wanchope is a full international for which nation?
Costa Rica: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Rarely has one match affected the situation regarding so many other clubs as Man City's 1-0 win against Newcastle today. Paulo Wanchope's header had ramifications at the top of the table with a distinct advantage going to Liverpool and Aston Villa over the battle for fourth place, although mathematically, Bolton remarkably also still have a chance! Equally at the bottom, City's win relegated Leicester and Wolves, although the latter could still draw level on points, however their goal difference is 35 worse than City's! It also affected Leeds of course and our situation ahead of tomorrow's game at Bolton is now surprisingly clear. One more defeat this season and we go down as our goal difference is only very marginally better than that of Wolves and certain drastically poorer than City's. Equally, one more win for City and we also drop down. It also means that we MUST get something from our game at Chelsea on the final day, although I would imagine that it's all academic by then anyway. Amazingly, on 2nd May 2001, we were hosting Valencia in the semi-finals of the Champions League! Three years to the day and we could effectively be relegated.

Things are also a bit clearer in the 2nd/3rd place battle between Chelsea and Man United after the former beat Southampton 4-0 and the latter lost at Blackburn. What it means is regardless of the result at Old Trafford between the clubs next week, a win for Chelsea at home to Leeds on the final day will guarantee them second place. A draw in the game next Saturday will also confirm it and end a dreadful run for United since losing Rio Ferdinand. It's been a dramatic collapse for a club who normally finish a season so well and only confirms how much they have missed the Great Forgetful One. Looking ahead to next season, get your money on United to win back their trophy as they've never gone two successive years without winning the Premiership title! Remember where you heard it first..!

Spare a thought: for Southampton's 17-year old debutant Martin Cranie. A first start in a makeshift team against a star-studded Chelsea side and, for almost an hour, they held their own at 0-0. Then a freakish moment saw Cranie head into his own net and after that, it was all downhill as it ended 4-0. Things can only get better!

Finally, a quick word on Gillingham player-manager Andy Hassenthaler who could do little as his team slumped to a 3-0 deficit at home to Coventry. They pulled one back to give themselves hope only for Hassenthaler to get himself sent off for a second bookable offence! They ended up losing 5-2!

Sunday 2nd May 2004
"She's a good girl, loves her mum. Loves Jesus and America too. She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis. Loves horses and her boyfriend too." (Song)
Free Fallin` - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Correctly answered by Jeff Slater

When Stoke beat WBA to relegate Leeds in 1982, which Stoke goalscorer later helped Leeds win promotion back in 1990?

May 20th 1982 - Stoke 3 West Brom 0 - That was the date and game which last sealed a relegation for Leeds United Football Club. I was still at school back then and, as that game was played on a Thursday, my Mum actually let me have Friday off of school as I was so upset! No such concerns this time around though as today's 4-1 defeat at Bolton has again sent us down all barr a mathematical freak which simple isn't going to happen. You can look as to who to blame for the dramatic collapse over the last three years. The former chairman, any of the former managers, the players - past and present - but ultimately it'll make little difference to what happened today and over the last nine months. The bottom line is that the current squad simply aren't good enough to remain in the top flight. Smith, Robinson and Viduka will certainly leave and so might others, giving the new regime at the top a golden chance to do what Howard Wilkinson did in 1988 and rebuild a totally new Leeds United - one which can eventually battle back to the top division. Unlike 1982, there's no tears from me as this time around, it was expected. Back then, for a few weeks, it looked as though we'd saved ourselves, however West Brom eventually let us down (they beat us two days before losing to Stoke!) and it was a crushing blow all round. So, we can look forward to playing Rotherham, Crewe, Plymouth and Preston next season and, who knows, this relegation may just turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Normally on a Sunday, I'll turn the 2pm game straight off after it's finished to enable me to catch the start of the 4:05pm game. Today was different as I wanted to see the Leeds fans salute the players and the reactions which came with it. Smiffy was practically in tears, as were a few fans, notably the young kid who simply couldn't stop the flow even when singing his heart out. I'll admit it brought a lump to the throat, not due to what had happened, but due to the loyalty of these supporters who pay good money and travel all over England to watch their heroes. They were awesome and even at 4-1 down, never stopped singing and that's been the case throughout the last few months, even more so as relegation drew more and more inevitable. Ironically, it was only after around ten minutes of the Liverpool game had gone, that it occurred to me that the final of the World Snooker was on BBC2, so I switched over quickly to find out the latest score only to find that they were in their mid-session interval. Literally as I switched channels, what does the host, Hazel Irvine, say? "Now, onto football and it's bad news for Leeds United fans I'm afraid.....!" How about that for incredible timing!

We're Going Down, But We'll Be Back!!!

Monday 3rd May 2004
"God was here before the marine corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the corps." (Film)

Plymouth striker Micky Evans had a year in the Premiership in the mid 90s with which club?
Southampton: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

The morning after the afternoon before and, despite a good night's sleep, the reality remains that Leeds will be playing Plymouth and Rotherham next season instead of Man United and Arsenal. With two games to go, the question remains as to who should Eddie Gray field in that final pair of games? The players that have effectively taken us down, many of whom will be on their way in the summer, or the players who may well have the chance to take us back us next season? I'd like to see the latter although I very much doubt that it'll happen, however I would like to see Mark Viduka left out for the final matches and a different pairing up front. The Australian has been sent off twice in a month, both for totally unnecessary reasons on his part and shouldn't be given the chance to wear a Leeds shirt again. He'll leave in the summer for pastures new, although I wonder how many clubs have looked at his recent red cards and wondered just how much a problem his temperament is? Whilst he'll certainly get plenty of offers, there may not be quite as many interested as a month ago. As for Alan Smith, some fans have already turned against him for stating publicly that he'll be leaving as first division football is not for him at this stage in his career. A little unfair from the supporters I think as this was always going to be the case anyway, although Jermain Defoe did similar last season a day after West Ham went down of course. Personally I reckon he'll wait and see who gets into the Champions League and see if any offers come in from any of the top four.

Today is a Bank Holiday due to May Day and begs the question that if we can have a public holiday for something insignificant, why can't we have one on St George's Day? It seems that on a Bank Hol, the world and his wife hit the road to go anywhere but their own homes. We stayed in this morning but decided that we couldn't be bothered to cook lunch so we'd eat out! The first Little Chef we tried was totally full up and the next wasn't far off. We were offered a table next to the smoking area, however as the smoke was drifting onto the table offered, we said we'd wait instead. Later in the day, our friends told us that Sainsbury's was absolutely heaving and that they were glad to get out and go home. Whilst an Englishman's home may be his castle, on Bank Holiday's they seem only too pleased to leave it behind.

Tuesday 4th May 2004
"In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan. From Milan to Yakatan. Every woman, every man." (Song)
Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick - Ian Dury And The Blockheads: Correctly answered by Adrian Jobling

To date, who is the only player to have been sent off for FIVE different Premiership clubs?
Carlton Palmer (Sheff Wed, Leeds, Coventry, Forest, Southampton) : Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

My first day at work since the relegation on Sunday and inevitably it sparked various snippets of mickey taking. Work colleagues, shop customers and even paper-boys got in on the act as I had to relive Sunday afternoon all over again. The words of wisdom ranged from the outright brazen, "4-1!" and "Going Down!" to the apparent humourous, "Where's the black armband then?" and, "Is it safe to enter the shop?" via the hopelessly optimistic, "Don't worry, you'll be back this time next year." In truth, that's open to debate, however it was a Sunderland fan (Yes, there is at least one in Somerset!) who made me think the most. After he'd mentioned that he'd gone through it all last season what with players leaving and all the costing cutting, it occured to me that they were really at rock bottom last year having lost all of their last 15 games in the Prem, a run which continued into the first division to such an extent that they almost broke a one-hundred year old record for successive victories! But, nine months on, they reached the semi-finals of the FA Cup and are almost assured of a play-off spot and it's all down to good management, good team spirit, plenty of backing from the board and plain hard work! It can be done and in that respect, Sunderland are an inspiration to all!

It can only happen in America - Part 295. Imagine the start of a big football match being delayed due to one of the players going missing! It's unlikely I know, however it happened in Indianapolis during a minor league baseball game between the home side and Louisville. After the third innings, one of the home players - Jeff Liefer - quickly nipped back to the dressing rooms to use the toilet, only for the handle to jam as he tried to get out again! The guy in the line behind him raised the alarm and the start of the fourth innings was held up by 20 minutes as their tried to free him! Eventually when the crisis had passed, a very red faced Liefer was presented with a toilet roll by the opponents. A lesson for budding Robbie Savage's everywhere!

Wednesday 5th May 2004
"You had your time, you had the power. You've yet to have your finest hour." (Song)

When England hosted Euro 96, which of the eight venues hosted second division football this season (03-04)?
Hillsborough: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Whilst Porto may not be the most popular Champions League finalists in history, you cannot help but admire certain aspects of their game, notably their organisation under boss Jose Mourinho (the next Chelsea boss if rumours are to be believed). Deportivo, whose home record is as good as anyone's in Europe, simply could not break them down and, in truth, didn't look like scoring throughout both legs. Once Porto netted from the penalty spot on the hour, there was only one winner and it was good to see that the famed histrionics and time-wasting usually associated with Porto only materialised in brief flashes - although maybe that had something to do with Pier Luigi Collina being in charge! Neither leg of the semi will ever be rated as anything better than mundane, however a former Leeds boss once said, after a goalless draw with Liverpool, that he was in this business to get results and not entertain and it has to be said that Porto are very good at the former.

Arsenal's 1-1 draw at Portsmouth last night maintains their amazing unbeaten record, however they owe a massive thanks to keeper Jens Lehmann. The much maligned German stopper has had his critics this season, largely due to his temperment, however a couple of superb saves, especially late on when Yakubu burst through, kept their invincible record going. With games at Fulham and at home to relegated Leicester to come, the likelyhood looks high of them actually `doing the impossible` and going an entire league campaign without losing, however when they look back on defining moments, Lehmann's save will be right up there with Van Nistelrooy's last minute penalty miss at Old Trafford.

Thursday 6th May 2004
"Poor old Johnny Ray, sounded sad upon the radio. He moved a million hearts in mono." (Song)
Come On Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners: Correctly answered by kirstymd

Porto have won the Champions League/European Cup once before. Who did they beat in the final?

It's an astonishing fact that in almost fifty years of the European Cup and Champions League, London have never had a club in the final. This season the capital had two chances and both crashed out, although Chelsea will feel that they'll never have a better chance than last night, although the tie was really lost in the second half two weeks ago rather than at Stamford Bridge 24 hours ago. The two goal first leg deficit was wiped out within 44 minutes courtesy of a fluke from Jesper Gronkjaer and a superb effort from Frank Lampard and in truth, all looked rosy. The turning point came two minutes into first half stoppage time when Monaco went back ahead on aggregate with a fluke of their own, not to mention handball, and it was all downhill thereafter. The Tinkerman cannot be blamed this time as chances were created and wasted, with Gronkjaer and Gudjohnson in particular missing sitters, however despite coming so close and yet so far AND finishing in the top three, probably even second, in the league, then it looks likely that Ranieri will be sacked in the summer. The pressure on the new boss will be immense as he'll need a Premiership title win or a Champions League final to outdo Ranieri.

It would seem that tempers can run high and flare in all levels of football as proved recently after a non-league Cup Final which saw North Ferriby beat Grimsby Town 3-2 in the Yorkshire and Humberside league knockout final. After the final whistle, things got a little too much for the clubs involved and a mass brawl was sparked which eventually saw 30 - yes, THIRTY - people involved in pushing, shoving and punches thrown. One spectator admitted that the referee had let some bad fouls go during the game and officials from both clubs condemned the brawl at the end. The unusual twist in all this is that this was a ladies cup final and that the majority of those involved in the fisticuffs were women in their late teens and early 20s! The fairer sex?? Nah, they can throw a punch as well as the next man.

Friday 7th May 2004
"Do you leave a light on after bedtime? Because I get a little scared in the dark sometimes. If it's a strange place." (Film)

During Euro 2000, which Dutch player missed two penalties in the same match?
Frank de Boer (one in normal play and one in the penalty shoot-out): Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Two days ago, the Premiership had the chance to have a club in each of the two major European finals later this month. Two games later and that dream died a rapid and heavy death. Chelsea's demise at the hands of Monaco was a little unlucky in that chances were created and wasted, not to mention the damage done in the first leg, however Newcastle's defeat in Marseille last night saw them go out of the UEFA Cup with more of a whimper than a bang. Okay, admittedly I missed the second half due to Channel 5's coverage clashing with `24` on Sky One, however before half time and, according to the match reports I've seen, Newcastle were rarely in it and the hosts were never under any sustained pressure. So, instead of Portugal and Spain against England in the two finals, we have France represented instead. Hmmm, France beating England twice in two games, an omen for the summer maybe?

SPOILER ALERT! - `24 Series 3` I'm pretty pleased with myself this morning. With the third series of 24 now exactly half way through, last night's episode saw a defining moment in that I actually managed to foresee a major plot twist! Now, whilst my wife can spot these half an hour in advance, I'm usually the one who is still wondering what happened half an hour later, so this was something of a momentous occurance! It involved the mystery x month old baby that suddenly came into play a couple of episodes ago and, more to the point, who the father is! Due to the `shock, cliffhanger` situation, I'd assumed that it would be someone major and, probably connected to a female member of the cast and, having narrowed it down to two possibles, I was thrilled when the identity was revealed as one of my predictions! Okay, this is a minor point to most, but to me, it's quite an achivement to finally be one step ahead of the writers and whilst the plot twist was hardly of the Usual Suspects standard, please allow me to bask in my moment of glory! As to who the mother of the baby is, knowing the writers knack of introducing sub-plots and twists that are becoming more and more far-fetched (the arrival of the baby being one such plot!), it could be literally anyone and will probably be the most unlikely member of the cast possible! That `far fetched` gripe aside, it remains one of the very few non-football programmes that I'll watch week in, week out!

Saturday 8th May 2004
"Workin' so hard like a soldier. Can't afford a thing on TV. Deep in my heart I am warrior. Can't get food for them kids." (Song)

Which current Prem player made international history in 1996 when he came on as a sub for his own father in a full international?
Eidur Gudjohnsen (then aged 17) replaced Arnor (35) as Iceland beat Estonia 3-0: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Well, just one more full set of games to go and the season is over, however a couple more things were confirmed today. Most significantly, Chelsea's draw at Old Trafford which clinched second place for the London side ahead of Man United. It was a decent game as well which included a penalty miss (Van Nistelrooy again!) and a red card to Robert Huth, although Paul Scholes should have also gone in the first half and he owes the referee and his manager (who subbed him shortly afterwards) a vote of thanks that he's eligable to play in the Cup Final. We also witnessed what has become known on this site as `spider in the bath` syndrome when you see none for months and then two come along at once. Last month it was goals by Gary Neville and now it's strikes from Jesper Gronkjaer who followed up Wednesday's freak effort with a beauty today.

Elsewhere, Leeds' relegation was mathematically confirmed after a 3-3 draw at home to Charlton. True to form, we were 3-1 up with a quarter of an hour to go and still managed to blow it, however the home fans did get a parting goal from Alan Smith courtesy of our third penalty in as many games, and also the likes of Matthew Kilgallon and Frazer Richardson started the game which can only be good news as these youngsters, along with a few more hopefully, are the ones to try and lift the club back to the dizzy heights of which we've become acustomed. The odd thing was that there was no jumping around or punching the air from me when any of the goals went in. Maybe subconsciously I felt that we'd still not win regardless of how good the situation looked, or perhaps with relegation confirmed, I knew that the game was almost a waste of time. I wonder who - and more to the point, when - our next home game in the top division will be against?

Most entertaining piece of television today came from Soccer Saturday host Jeff Stelling who remaining totally unbiased (yeah right!) as regards his Hartlepool team, who needed a point at Swindon to get into the play-offs. Co-incidentally, Swindon also needed just a point for the same reason, however when they took a seventh minute lead, Stelling - complete with Teddy Bear mascot - was on edge constantly. Relief came with an equaliser twenty minutes from time and Stelling said, "Hopefully both clubs will just pass the ball around and play out time!" With five minutes left, the reporter at the ground told him that the clubs were playing a footballing version of chess to which Stelling replied, "As I don't know the rules of chess, I don't know whether that's good or bad!!" Ultimately the game ended 1-1 and both clubs remain in line to face Leeds, Wolves and Leicester next season.

At the other end of the scale are good old East Stirling who, after 24 successive defeats, were drawing 0-0 at Montrose in stoppage time! True to form, up stepped Craig Smart with a late winning to inflict yet another loss. According to Soccer Saturday, they've now lost 59 of their last 71 games and won just THREE! If they lose next week, they'll end up with the lowest ever points total in a Scottish season - just five!

And finally, wasn't it great to see a true great make a guest appearance at half time during the Spurs v Blackburn game today. Ricky Villa, scorer of the best ever solo goal in an FA Cup Final was the man in question, although when he was shown on the telly, I didn't recognise him! I guess we assume that players don't age and will always look the same as they did in 1981. Good to know that they are only human after all really.

Sunday 9th May 2004
"I know my ex-boyfriend lies, Oh he does it every time, It's just his permanent disguise." (Song)

Who is the youngest player to have been sent off in a Premiership match?

Thirty-seven down, one to go! Arsenal are just one game away from one of the greatest achivements in the modern game - going the entire season unbeaten in the league. Today's win at Fulham, lucky though it was as regards the goal, ensured they are unbeaten away from home which in itself is sensational, however avoiding defeat against Leicester next weekend would be the coup de grace. I didn't see the first hour of the game so I can't really comment on whether it was deserved or not, however they looked reasonable comfortable in the latter stages despite Fulham pressing forward. So, will history be made next weekend? Surely it has to be and we can then all claim to have witnessed a slice of what may be something totally unique in the English game. The next challenge has to be retaining their title, something that they've failed to do each time under Arsene Wenger. Until that happens, they'll remain a team who are excellent over a year, but not consistant enough in the long term.

We already know that Norwich and West Brom will rejoin the elite next season and they'll be joined by another former Prem club as the play-offs consist of Sunderland v Crystal Palace and Ipswich v West Ham. A couple of weeks ago I said that Palace were the in form team and that they looked a decent bet and whilst I hope Ipswich or Sunderland make it back to the top flight, Palace also have luck on their side. They lost today at Coventry (now under Peter Reid!) and would have finished outside of the play-offs had Wigan beaten West Ham, which they were doing until the final minute today! Then the Hammers equalised through Brian Deane, denied Wigan a shot at the Premiership and lifting Palace in there again. With good form and luck like that, how can they fail?

Monday 10th May 2004
"You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do." (Film)
Raiders Of The Lost Ark: Correctly answered by Jeff Slater

In 1994-95, which club were originally banned from the FA Cup, only to be re-instated and go on to reach the semi-finals?
Spurs: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

It was only three or four months ago that we were looking forward to the finale of the season with great relish due to the closeness at both ends of the table. Arsenal, Man United and Chelsea were often separated by just one or two points, or even goal difference, at the top, whilst the battle at the bottom often covered more than half a dozen clubs. However, as the season continued, the men were separated from the boys and the final day of the season could well be a damp squib with little to play for but placings (and the 500k which goes with it of course!). The top three spots are confirmed and Liverpool will clinch fourth place if Newcastle fail to win at Southampton on Wednesday. Yes, I know that Villa could still catch Liverpool, but the goal difference of 12 will take some making up. Fifth place - and the UEFA Cup spot which goes with it - is still alive, however aside from the clubs involved, it's hardly earth-shattering material. Dare I mention the bottom where the three relegated clubs are having their own mini-league with them all jammed on 33 points. It's a shame really, but the biggest question on the final day could whether Arsenal can indeed remain unbeaten.

I'm not usually one of these who goes mad for `Official` Football songs. You know, those toe-curlingly embarrassing combinations between pop and football which only even reach the charts due to fans of the club involved buying it. I maintain that Three Lions (the 96 version) was the only such record to really capture the imagination of the public and when the fans sung it at Wembley before that semi against Germany it really did raise the goosebumps. Whilst England's Euro 2004 official song may not strike such a raw nerve as Three Lions, I was pleasantly surprised to see a reworking of The Farm's 1990 hit, "Altogether Now" chosen as the official song. I didn't realise that the original was written as a tribute to those German and English troops who put aside their differences to play an unofficial football match on Christmas Day 1914 during the First World War, hence the lyrics, "Altogether now, in No Mans Land." It's apparently hoped that it's message of peace and hope will be adopted by the fans who travel to Portugal and, rather than cause trouble, will actually show the fans in a different light. Admirable optimism.

Tuesday 11th May 2004
"Dance into the fire. That fatal kiss is all we need." (Song)
View To A Kill - Duran Duran: Correctly answered by Jinder Singh

Which nation played host to the Semi Finals and Finals of the first ever European Championships in 1960?
France: Correctly answered by Jeff Slater

Yesterday's decision to sack Eddie Gray as boss of Leeds came as no great surprise to me, apart from the fact that I expected it next week! Maybe I'm missing something blatantly obvious, but I cannot see the logic in pushing him out now and putting Kevin Blackwell in charge for just one match, unless of course Blackwell is a probable for the job long term? That aside, the board have been clever in not antagonising the fans by getting rid of Gray completely, instead creating a new `consultancy` role for him upstairs, thereby extending his 40-year association with the club. So, where now for the managerial position? The popular press are touting for Gordon Strachan or Iain Dowie. Strachan recently stated that he wanted to spend the next year out of the game whilst Dowie has taken Crystal Palace to the verge of the Premiership and, if you were a neutral, who would you rather be in charge of at present? A club with the potential to be in the Prem come August or a club in disarray on and off the pitch and certain to be in the first division next season? Exactly!

We went along to our local theatre last night to see the FAOS (Frome Amateur Operatic Society) production of Oliver. As I am not a big fan of musicals and has not seen the film version or even read the Dickens novel, I really didn't know what to expect, however whether it's panto or serious material, the FAOS again pulled off a terrific show. The usual cast members were, as always, superb and you have to keep reminding yourself that these people are NOT professional actors or singers. Most have day jobs and this is simply a hobby. The kids in the show were also superb, especially the lad playing Oliver who is in the same year and same school as my daughter. Apparently he was exceptionally nervous before hand but apart from one minor slip, brilliantly covered up by the lad playing the Artful Dodger, he was fine. The dog - Mac, playing Bullseye - gave the cast and crew a nervy moment when, rather than sitting on stage, he went walkabouts within the audience, however he was soon recaptured and all was well. I heard this morning that the remainder of the week is a sellout which is a testimony to everyone involved with the Frome Memorial Theatre and the FAOS! Just one gripe, I spent half the morning humming and singing, "I'd do Anything For You...." which has stuck in my head!

Wednesday 12th May 2004
"I've been knocked down it's a crazytown. Even gotta punch in the face in L.A." (Song)

Which Midlands club are the only side to have played in the Premiership, all four divisions of the old football league AND in both sectors of the old third division north and south?
Coventry: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

According to reports today, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is likely to quit Man United in the summer, with a move to Celtic on the cards. Whilst he seems to have been around for ages, I was surprised to read that he's as old as 31 and has been at United for almost eight years! How time flies! Ironically enough, he'll almost certainly be lumbered with the `supersub` tag when talked about in the future and whether or not that's justified, it has to be said that arguably his two greatest achievements in a United shirt came after coming off the bench. Obviously his late, late winner in the 1999 Champions League Final will be remembered primarily, however he also came on as a sub when United were 4-1 up at Nottm Forest and scored four goals in twelve minutes to make the score 8-1. With Louis Saha available for all games next season, Solskjaer may well be on his way, but he's been a terrific servant, even rejecting a move to Spurs in 1998 (how would the 99 CL Final have ended then??), and United might just miss him.

One person definately not featuring in the Prem next season is referee Paul Durkin who has reached the mandatory retirement age for referees of 48. He's said to be very unhappy at being forced to quit and will take charge of his final game on Saturday, ironically enough the potential history making clash at Highbury between Arsenal and Leicester. I tend to agree with him. If an official is fit and healthy enough, not to mention competant, then he should surely be allowed to continue until later than is the current norm. By all means, make them take stringent fitness tests after a specific age to ensure that they're able to keep up with play for the duration of the game, but to make experienced officials quit simply because they've reached a certain age is daft. Mind you, apparently in Italy, the rules are even tighter with the cut off even lower than here!

Thursday 13th May 2004
"You would pay to keep your airline, why won't you pay for your son?" (Film)
Ransom: Correctly answered by Jinder Singh

Two English clubs have won a European Cup Final at Wembley, which two?

As end of season matches go, last night's clash between Southampton and Newcastle was hardly average! Whilst Newcastle needed a win to keep their Champions League hopes alive, Saints had nothing but pride to play for however they did the Premiership proud by more than matching their opponents as they shared six goals. This was English football at its best and although the pureists would have hated it, the watching public on TV loved it, especially those neutrals like me tuning in for nothing more than to be entertained! End to end play, penalty appeals turned down, a freak own goal, great saves, near misses and a dramatic finish - almost as good as a Hollywood Blockbuster, especially watching the reactions of the Newcastle fans after each goal, whether it was scored or conceded. Ultimately, a Southampton side decimated by injury and down to ten men for the final few minutes for the same reason, denied Newcastle the win needed, leaving the visitors not only out of the CL, but also with a very real chance of missing out on Europe altogether next season! Are they to be the next club to suffer a `Leeds United fall from grace`...??

Whilst I was enjoying the football, my wife was watching a TV highlight of her own with the National Soap Awards on ITV. I caught the final fifteen minutes or so as the luvvies were out in force for an evening of back-slapping and self-congratulation. Whilst the biggest surprise to me was that there are only six major UK soap operas (There seems more!), 99% of viewers had no surprises at all as the winners had previously been published in the media. You see, these ceremonies are no longer broadcast live due to the risk of something outrageous occurring in front of a packed viewing public, so it's all editted and broadcast a day or two later! All well and good expect the excitement of the `and the winner is...` moment has gone if you already know! What not delay the broadcast by 10-20 minutes instead? This gives the TV guys chance to cut anything unsuitable whilst keeping the element of surprise, although with enough mags on the market now which gives plot details in advance on all soaps, maybe the viewers simply don't want any surprises any more.

Friday 14th May 2004
"We've come a long long way together. Through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby." (Song)
Praise You - Fat Boy Slim: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

What do Yeovil Town, Wimbledon, Hereford United, Sutton United and Altrincham have in common?

It's started! The anticipated mass exodus of players to leave Leeds United is underway before we've even played our final game of the season. In truth, Paul Robinson's move to Spurs was no shock to anyone after he all but joined them in January and I reckon he'll be a good signing at such a reasonable price. The �2m fee was below what was being touted, but as I've said before, those figures in the media are unrealistically inflated especially as buying clubs know what our financial situation currently is. Of course, when a player leaves, you tend to think of their bad points and justify their going by concentrating on these. Robinson, like everyone, is not perfect and is suspect at crosses and occasionally shot stopping. That said, he is young and has time to iron out these wrinkles and if all goes well, should serve Spurs and England well for the best part of a decade.

Although I've not followed this week's saga at Portsmouth particularly closely, it's been nigh on impossible to avoid it in the last couple of days and today it was finally concluded. As I understand it, the chairman, Milan Mandaric, wanted to bring in a new foreign coach to replace Jim Smith and then allegedly accused boss Harry Redknapp of wanting Smith to leave. Naturally both parties blamed each other and it finally got to breaking point yesterday when it looked as though either Mandaric or Redknapp would be forced into leaving. Both have done superbly at the clubs in their different guises and the fans seemed to be split as to who they would prefer to stay, with most wanting neither to go. It would seem that the talks have had the desired effect with both parties seemingly remaining at the club! Good to see that talking can actually resolve problems with no-one ending up hurt!

Saturday 15th May 2004
"Death is not the end." - "It will be for you if you keep harassing my students." (Film)
Final Destination: Correctly answered by kirstymd

In 1983-84, which club went 31 games without a win in division two between October and April, not surprisingly finishing bottom of the table?

First and foremost, huge congratulations to Arsenal who put themselves into the history books today by going the entire league season unbeaten, a feat only ever achieved once before in the top flight and that was the first ever league season 115 years ago! When I saw that they were losing against Leicester today, I genuinely believed that they might not do it and that we wouldn't witness history being re-written - I really should have known better. A clumsy tackle from Frank Sinclair, a cool penalty from Thierry Henry and a brilliantly worked move between Bergkamp and Vieira and normal service was resumed. It's all too easy to underestimate what an superb achievement this has been from the Gunners and maybe only in years to come will we really realise the gravity of what they have done as I seriously doubt that we'll witness it again, possibly not in our lifetimes!

As befits the final day of the season, most of the results are easily forgotten as it was only positions to play for as regards most clubs. The exceptions saw Newcastle sneak into a UEFA Cup spot ahead of Villa who lost at home to Man United, whilst the Toon drew at Anfield. United had two players sent off at Villa Park as well, I wonder when that last occurred? As for Leeds, we said goodbye to the Prem with a narrow 1-0 defeat at Chelsea which, all things considered, wasn't too bad especially as I'd predicted a 6-0 defeat back in April! Kudos goes to Portsmouth, who walloped Middlesbrough 5-1 with Yakubu netting four, and Man City who hammered Everton by the same scoreline as the season ended with a bang for some and a whimper for others, notably Everton who narrowly missed out on Europe last season, yet finished fourth from bottom this season! Oh, and Leeds didn't finish bottom in the end thanks to us scoring marginally more than Wolves!

Many knock the play-offs and I guess I would too if my club finished third only for a side from below mine to get promotion! Last nights game between Crystal Palace and Sunderland and then today's clash between Ipswich and West Ham saw narrow home wins for both home clubs, leaving the second legs absolutely wide open. Both games were similar, yet very different if that makes sense. Palace and Sunderland barely mustered a shot on target in the first half - one on target from six efforts altogether - however it was as though someone flicked a switch at the break and the second half had everything! A penalty, an own goal, a late winner, yellow cards handed out like confetti, dody goalkeeping and a couple of decent goals as Palace won 3-2. Today, the first half was all action at Portman Road, yet neither club were able to find the net and although the second half was much quieter, we did finally get to see a goal, albeit via a stroke of luck for Darren Bent. One things for sure, both second legs should be terrific!

Sunday 16th May 2004
"I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair and I'm wondering how I'll get down those stairs." (Song)
Stuck In The Middle With You - Steelers Wheel: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Which FA Cup winning captain was manager of Shrewsbury when they were relegated last season (02-03)?
Kevin Ratcliffe: Correctly answered by Jinder Singh

The stats tell us that a club relegated to the Conference usually take more than one season to bounce back again. Today, Shrewsbury became only the third club to do such a feat with a penalties victory over Aldershot in the play off final. I must confess to rooting for Aldershot throughout. Not due to any dislike of the Welsh side, but due to their opponents being part-timers and rank outsiders and I've also been to the town a few times in recent years and found it to be a decent enough place. But I digress. Aldershot fans before the game were largely delighted just to be in the final and I hope they felt the same afterwards. Just twelve years ago, the club went bankrupt and were kicked out of the league, needing to start again effectively from stratch in non-league. Five promotions later and one season in the Conference has brought them this close to a league place again and whilst they missed out this time, they'll surely be there or thereabouts this time next season. They are an inspiration to all clubs where things appear to have hit rock bottom.

Between watching various play off games this afternoon, we had to clean the car and I don't just mean splashing it with water to scrape off the various bird deposits, I mean INSIDE as well! I chose to do the majority when my wife and daughter were out and it really is astonishing what rubbish builds up over a few months (or years!). Included in the delights within the glove compartment and other areas were the usual array of sweet wrappers and half eaten goodies, a receipt for a PC which we bought 16 months ago, a letter from the hospital which we'd thought had become lost in our house and two spare pairs of my glasses which explained why I could never find any in home! It took almost an hour all told and, to give you an idea of what it was like, I had a carrier bag full of stuff which needed to be kept and a black bin bag almost full with rubbish! Oh, and I found a grand total of 9p - what ever happened to finding fivers and tenners down the back of the chairs!

Monday 17th May 2004
"Don't leave me in all this pain. Don't leave me out in the rain. Come back and bring back my smile. Come and take these tears away." (Song)
Unbreak my heart - Toni Braxton: Correctly answered by kirstymd

During the 90s, which club was managed by David Pleat, Gordon Lee and Brian Little among others?

According to Leeds (careteker) boss Kevin Blackwell, by the time the clearout is over this summer at the club, we'll be left with just eight players that have been there this season. This presumably would be a combination of youngsters such as Scott Carson ( the keeper who did brilliantly on Saturday), Aaron Lennon (the youngest ever Prem player) and Matt Kilgallon, ageing pros such as Lucas Radebe and those constantly injured and therefore unsaleable at present, notably Seth Johnson. To say the least, that should significant reduce the wage bill, although I assume that a few free transfers will arrive at the club, probably players reaching the tail end of their careers. Whilst it seems a frightening prospect and the probability of a return to the top flight appears a long way off, maybe this is just what is needed - a total clearout and revamp, almost from scratch. It won't be easy for whoever takes over, but here's hoping that a new Leeds United can rise, pheonix like, from the ashes of the old.

I loved the interview with Paul Ince after his Wolves side lost at home to Spurs on Saturday. Ince had been sent off midway through the second half for a second bookable offence and clearly felt that it was either unwarranted or could have been let go as it was the final game of the season and irrelevant for both clubs. Holding what I assume was his daughter in his arms, he told ITV viewers, "The referee only sent me off because he could then tell his grandchildren that he'd sent off Paul Ince." Hmmm, delusions of grandeur I reckon Mr Ince. Whilst it may have been big news a few years ago during his heyday at Man United, now it's little more than a statistic and, should the referee ever decide to tell his grandkids about the incident, they're more likely to ask, "Who?" than be wide-eyed with admiration. It would seem that Sir Alex Ferguson was right to call Ince a `Big Time Charlie`.

Tuesday 18th May 2004
"You broke my arm!" - "There's 215 bones in the human body. That's one." (Film)

When the Prem started in 1992, Man United had just two `overseas` players on their books. Who were they?
Peter Schmeichel & Andrei Kanchelskis: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Although I tipped Crystal Palace to go up via the play offs, that didn't mean that I WANT them to as, like them or loathe them, the much maligned set of fixtures again came up trumps for sheer drama. In truth, Palace had the better of the first half only to concede two goals in three minutes near half time which totally reversed the aggregate score. It also set the scene for the second half as the referee booked two Sunderland players for over-celebrating the first goal! In fact, after the interval, that yellow card was the most overworked piece of equipment as it was flashed around like a clipboard operater in a shopping precinct. Some were warranted, others weren't, but ultimately that yellow turned to red and off went Julian Gray with five minutes to go and, so I thought, off went Palace's chances! In stoppage time, obviously feeling he had nothing left to lose, Neil Shipperly clearly fouled keeper Mart Poom at a corner and in crept Darren Powell to power home a header and extra time beckoned. True to form, extra time was a bit of a non-event with both clubs intent on not conceding rather than going for the kill. From Sunderland's viewpoint this was a shame as they not only had home advantage, but also numerical. With hindsight, it proved their downfall as once John Oster missed their opening penalty, they were always playing catch-up and were never ahead, even when Poom saved the final kick to take it to sudden death Sunderland continued to fail and eventually Michael Hughes ended the agony. The one abiding memory will be the reaction of Sunderland boss Mick McCarthy after watching Jeff Whitley miss a sudden death spot kick after attempting a `John Aldridge` style dramatic pause. To say he was furious would be an understatement!

Smithy In Man U Talks - So roared the headline on the bck of the first paper that I saw this morning and no prizes for guessing that the man in question is Alan Smith. Now, on Saturday, a section of Leeds fans taunted their former hero with chants of, "Sign for Scum, you won't come back!" sparking fights among the Leeds supporters, many of whom clearly feel the same way that I do, that being that with us now relegated and Smithy clearly on his way, it makes no difference to me whether he joins Man United, Newcastle (my tip) or Torquay! This isn't the same as the Ferdinand move when he left to play for a rival club in the same division and as far as I'm concerned, Smith is simply doing what anyone else would do in his position and that's considering all options available to him. Of course the headline could purely be a space filler as it includes no quotes from anyone from either club or in relation to the player.

Wednesday 19th May 2004
"Baby, can't you see, I'm calling. A guy like you, should wear a warning." (Song)
Toxic - Britney Spears: Correctly answered by kirstymd

Which club are nicknamed The Chairboys?
Wycombe: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

London is coming! Nope, nothing to do with being shortlisted for the Olympics of 2012, but more to do with the capital's forthcoming invasion of Cardiff (and Bristol apparently) over the next two weekends. This Saturday, Millwall are at the Millennium Stadium to face Man United in the FA Cup Final and I could be cynical and say that half the United fans will also come from the capital, but I won't! A week later, Crystal Palace and West Ham fans will make the pilgrimage to South Wales after the latter reached the play off final last night with a 2-1 aggregate win against Ipswich. To be fair, the Hammers deserved the win although the pair of goals could hardly have been more different. Early in the second half, Matt Etherington levelled the overall scores with a scorching shot which Thierry Henry would have been proud of and twenty minutes from time, Christian Dailly won it with a scuffed, deflected, bobbled effort which dribbled into the corner. For their part, Ipswich had a golden chance in the first two minutes and then struck the post in stoppage time, but they appeared more intent on not conceding than pushing for a goal themselves. So, as the Suffolk club return home to try again next season, the West Country and Wales can prepare itself for a Cockney invasion.

It never ceases to amaze me how trusting some people can be - or should that be dopey? If you are walking through a busy City Centre street, packed with tourists and shoppers, it's perhaps not the most intelligent idea to count a wad of money in public! However, in Bath on Monday we saw just that in one of the busiest streets in the city. A chap was walking toward us with his partner, counting aloud a bundle of twenty pound notes held in his hand and as he walked by with an increasingly wide smile on his face, he could clearly hear him counting, �120, �140.... Whilst 99% of us would smile at his sheer stupidity, there's always that off 1% who would take full advantage!

Thursday 20th May 2004
"I've got the gift, gonna stick it in the goal. It's time to move your body." (Song)
Rock DJ - Robbie Williams: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Who was the last Liverpool manager to win the league title?
Kenny Dalglish: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

We had a choice of football viewing last night with the UEFA Cup Final on BBC2 or the second leg of the second division play off semi between Bristol City and Hartlepool on Sky. Due to my wife wanting the satelite channels for some documentary on 500-year old Mummies, then I was left with Hobson's Choice, notably Valencia v Marseille. Had I have been given the option, I wouldnt have gone for this one and in hindsight my mind would have remained the same as the domestic game ended with a thrilling finale, the UEFA Cup Final never clicked into gear and on a rare moment when it looked as though it would, the match was effectively killed. I'm talking about the red card to Marseille keeper Fabien Barthez, who not only brought down an opponent as he bore down on goal, but also did it with a high, two-footed lunge. So, after what was a dreadful first half, we had the `excitement` of a red card and penalty on half time, and after that, the result was never in doubt, leaving the second half to be played in largely the same vein as the first!

It looks like another summer of discontent at Liverpool coming up. Despite qualifying for the Champions League qualifiers (!), the natives are already restless at Anfield. Captain Steven Gerrard maintains that they need three world class summer signings (or he'll be off reports the tabloids), whilst at least one paper today states that Gerard Houllier demanded an answer regarding his future and will be sacked, pending the way for Martin O'Neill to take over! Now, how much is heresay and how much is reality remains to be seen, but Liverpool are a classic example of the expectations being higher than the achivements, largely due to past glories. Making wholesale changes at any level within the club is not always the best policy, however the top dogs like the fans to feel that things are being done but, as happened at Leeds with the sacking of David O'Leary, it's often a matter of `better the devil you know`. I wouldn't be surprised to see Houllier go though, indeed as someone said at the weekend, "He's six years into his five year plan.", however if and when it happens, don't be fooled into believing it's for the best.

Friday 21st May 2004
"All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them. Could be better, should be better..." (Song)

Which Premiership club played at a ground called Perry Barr before moving to their current stadium in 1897?
Aston Villa: Correctly answered by Phil Newport

Oh what a harsh game football can be at times! Once again the play offs last night produced an amazing double finale to a match which barely looked anything better than average for long spells. Swindon were a goal behind from their home first leg against Brighton and after a heavy rainstorm turned a rock hard pitch into a mud bath, it looked as though that would be enough. However, with nine minutes to go, Swindon scored and took the game into extra time. All this was with yours truly needing to nip out and collect my wife and daughter as well as trying to watch `24` on Sky One, resulting in switching over to the football each time the adverts came on! I di get to watch most of extra time uninterupted, although not quite in time to see Swindon take the lead overall within six minutes. I couldn't stay awake for the second period, so I taped it and watched it before work this morning and with a place in a final beckoning - a mouthwatering local derby against Bristol City - Swindon conceded a stoppage time header to level matters and take the game to penalties. Salt was then rubbed into a seeping wound as Swindon missed twice from the spot to allow Brighton to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It was hard enough to take as an adopted Swindon fan for the evening, so you can only imagine how the genuine fans felt on their late, and long, drive back home! With all six semi-finals now over, it's remarkable to think that the BIGGEST winning aggregate margin was just one goal! Now, if all the finals are as tight and nerve-jangling, we should be in for a treat.

The build up to the FA Cup Final never seems to be as intense as it did when I was growing up. Back then, it was all that was everyone talked about for a week ahead, but this week it almost seems to be playing second fiddle to the play offs, transfer rumours, Beckham getting sent off and the England squad for Euro 2004. I wonder if this is anything to do with the fact that many believe it's a foregone conclusion that Man United will sweep past Millwall and win the trophy at a canter? In reality, they may well be right, however whilst my predicting skills are not exactly my best quality, I reckon that Millwall will at the very least put up a fight and could even give United a shock, perhaps by taking the lead! There's little doubt that if United play to their potential, Millwall will do well to keep the score to a respectable level, however to write off the London side would be a mistake. Of course, the media disinterest could be due to the final being between two of the nations most disliked clubs!

Saturday 22nd May 2004
"Trench. Through it, not over. I'll remember." (Film)
Finding Nemo: Correctly answered by Kirsty

Which FA Cup winner with Man United in the 70s was manager of Millwall in the mid 90s?

Okay, okay, I was wrong, horribly wrong! My prediction for the Cup Final that Millwall would put up a decent fight and maybe even take the lead was somewhat inaccurate after one of the most one-sided games I've seen in ages. To be fair, Millwall defended well enough, albeit deep and in numbers, and for the most part they were solid even if they did overplay a little too much in their final third. Up front though was another matter. It wasn't as though the United backline dealt with any attacks comfortably, it was more that in the main, they didn't have any attacks to deal with and I cannot recall either United goalkeeper having to make a save! Perhaps it simply showed the sheer gulf in class between the two clubs, but somehow I was left feeling not only a little flat, but equally that Millwall could have shown a little more enterprise and attacking flair, especially after they'd gone behind. I ultimately got the impression that once the first goal went in, and certainly after the second goal was scored, that the first division side were there to enjoy the rest of the day and to ensure that the final score never reached embarrassment proportions. All told, not a terrible final by any means, but equally not one for the `Classic Collections` on video.

I got dragged along to our daughter's school last night, not due to her school report I should add, but more to do with my wife being asked to help out at their bingo evening and yours truly, having agreed to give her a lift up, then got talking into staying to help out as well. When I was a kid, my mum and gran both used to go to bingo regularly and it always conjured up images of chain smoking pensioners yelling out `House` in an increasingly gravely voice. That preconceived image is banished now as, last night, there was a full house of 150 in the hall, ranging from young kids to those aforementioned pensioners, although thankfully it was a smoke-free zone. We were there early as helpers and as well as eventually having to sell the grand draw tickets, I was asked to `be in charge` of getting the chairs out - with exactly 150 needed (tickets were sold in advance to stop the hall being overcrowded). Along with around half a dozen kids, my daughter included, I attempted, and ultimately struggled, to keep count as I took the chairs from a storeroom and handed them to the children to put around the tables. Eventually one young lad offered to count the chairs for me once they were out and I felt that we were close to the required amount. After a few minutes belting around the room, he announced that there were 148 chairs out. Despite being very close, my ego was deflated somewhat by this minor setback until someone asked if the little lad had counted the two that I'd got out for my wife and I to sit on whilst selling the tickets! Okay, only a tiny victory, but anything is good enough for a Leeds fan!

Sunday 23rd May 2004
"To avoid complications, she never kept the same address. In conversation, she spoke just like a baroness." (Song)
Killer Queen - Queen: Correctly answered by Jeff Slater

In the 1954 World Cup Finals, which nation scored eight goals in a group match against eventual winners West Germany?
Hungary (8-3): Correctly answered by Phil Newport

Having had a fairly late night on Friday at the bingo, we decided last night to take part in the BBC's `Test The Nation` IQ test, which involved answering a variety of questions and then converting your overall score into a rough IQ level, dependant on your age. This meant another late-ish night, not ideal when I have to be up at 3:30am, however it was enjoyable enough to do. The questions were on a variety of subjects including logic, observation, memory, patterns and so on and after all seventy had been asked, not to mention a twenty minute pause for a news break and a number of studio chats with various members of the public and D-list celebs, the answers were given (and explanations for some!) and I managed to get 51 right. With an age penalty built in, meaning that a 65-year old could get half the number of questions right than a 17-year old and still end up with a higher IQ, that converted to an IQ of 122 for me. Now, just how accurate that was or is, is open to severe debate, however it should be pointed out that in one observation round, I failed to spot a fig leaf added on purpose to a statute of a naked male! Read into that what you will!

With the sun blazing (well, it was by UK standards) and no football of any note to watch today, we decided to nip out once I'd finished work and take my mother and her Arsenal-supporting hubby with us. We ended up at a car boot sale followed by a few hours at Cheddar Gorge which remains one of the few tourist attractions in the nation yet to really turn itself into a money-grabbers paradise - although the `all-in-one` ticket for all attractions does wrangle with me as you can no longer pay to see individual attractions as you could a few years ago. Although the journey home was under an hour, it sped by thanks to `the car colour game` being played by all except me as I was driving! Quite simply, the other four passengers all chose a colour and each time a car of that colour passed our car, they earned a point. By the time we were back into our town, my wife (silver), our daughter (blue) and step-dad (red) were neck and neck and the excitement generated was remarkable for something so blatantly trivial. Despite my best efforts to guide the car down side streets to avoid certain colours passing us, our daughter won by the skin of her teeth and the usual drab drive home was completed in no time.

Monday 24th May 2004
"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?" (Song)
I Need a Hero - Bonnie Tyler: Correctly answered by kirstymd

Vladimir Smicer and El-Hadji Diouf were both bought by Gerard Houllier for Liverpool from which club?
Lens: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

As recently as last Thursday I felt that it would be no surprise if Gerard Houllier and Liverpool seperated in the summer. Today it happened sooner than I'd expected as the Frenchman was sacked by the3 board. Whoever takes over will have a job and a half to bring the fans what they want - the league title for the first time since 1990 - and in many ways Houllier was unlucky to be in charge during a spell that saw the Premiership totally dominated by Arsenal and Man United and it would have taken something exceptionally special to have been able to break that domination. Liverpool fans will now have a spell where they will be asked to `remain patient` (It'll come soon in a press conference, mark my words!) as the new man will need time to settle, to get to know the players and obviously to shape things into his own mould. The question now is how long will those fans want to `remain patient` before things change at the top again?

Man United have been forced to break with tradition and hold no victory parade following their FA Cup victory at the weekend. Usually, thousands line the streets as the club and trophy are paraded around on an open-top bus, however those supporters who couldn't get to Cardiff on Saturday were denied even the chance to see the cup as it was taken back in a box! All this was due to many of the players leaving for international duty almost as soon as the final whistle went. Yet another occurance of international football taking precedence over the club game.

Tuesday 25th May 2004
"Since you've gone I been lost without a trace. I dream at night, I can only see your face." (Song)
Every Breath You Take - Police: Correctly answered by Jeff Slater

What connects the European Cup victories of Real Madrid in 1957 and Inter Milan in 1965 which sets them apart from all the other finals?
Both winners won the Cup in their home stadium: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Speaking of Man United (as I was yesterday), I wonder how many fans - and even officials - are having a wry smile this weekend as, although the Red Devils only went home with the FA Cup after a poor season, David Beckham and his Real Madrid team mates finished the season in FOURTH place and trophyless for the first time in five years. Remarkably, they, like Man United, now have to qualify for the Champions League next season! Not surprisingly, boss Carlos Queiroz was sacked as boss today, proving that you can have the World's best players in one team, but moulding them into a winning outfit is another matter altogether.

The latest `reality` TV show to hit UK screens is `Hells Kitchen` where top chef Gordon Ramsey has enlisted the help of ten C-list celebs to work in the kitchen of his new, and very exclusive, London restaurant. Speaking as someone who usually runs a mile at the mention of reality TV, I've actually quite enjoyed what I've seen so far which has included reporter Roger Cook falling off his chair on the eve of opening night and having to be replaced at the last minute, not to mention at least two of the team threatened to walk out having been on the wrong end of one of Ramsey's (and his two professional helpers) outbursts! The sight of other celebs waiting, and waiting, and waiting, in the restaurant for food is great as these pampered folk are used to getting things when they want it, although I must confess that even having to wait over THREE hours would test the patient of Job. Ramsey's familiarity with four-letter words makes this very much post-Watershed material which is a shame as many kids would probably love it! The one outstanding point so far though is how much a perfectionist Ramsey is, with a lot of prepared food being binned before it even makes it to the table.

Wednesday 26th May 2004
"That guy asked for our help. We lit him on fire. You'll understand if I'm not in a particularly social mood." (Film)

Which Sheff United manager of the 80s was the scorer of a winning FA Cup Final goal in the 70s?
Ian Porterfield: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Well, at least one piece of uncertainty surrounding Leeds United has been cleared up as Kevin Blackwell has been confirmed as our new boss. Seems a decent choice to me for a few reasons, notably that he knows the club and the up and coming youth players and also has a decent knowledge of the lower leagues due to his time at Sheffield United. He also isn't attached to another club at present, meaning no costly severance pay which in turn makes a further dent into an already depleted fund. The only thing I hope now is that he's given the chance to mould the team into his own, by whatever means he is able. If things don't go to plan, don't go sacking him after a few months a la Venables and Reid, give him an opportunity. Much like the Liverpool situation, things are not going to turn around overnight, or even over a season, at Leeds, meaning that us fans HAVE to be patient and simply hope that it's something necessary to go backwards in order to move forwards.

David Beckham's outburst at certain areas of the media yesterday was understandable, yet hardly the most intelligent thing to do. The England captain decided that it would be a good idea to have a blast at two national newspapers and a couple of broadcasters over their treatment of him and his family regarding his alleged affair. Now, whilst it's clear that many of us would want to do the same in his circumstances, the timing is a little unwise, largely as the media have all but dropped the entire story. I mean, when was the last time it was in the papers? Two weeks ago maybe? The public have a short term memory as regards the big stories of the day and Beckham's affairs had surely run their course...until he decided to ensure they rose to the surface again with his comments. So, whilst it probably made him feel better than he'd got it off his chest, he's perhaps done more harm than good by re-opening old wounds.

Thursday 27th May 2004
"It's 8:15, and that's the time that it's always been. We got your message on the radio, conditions normal and you're coming home." (Song)

Who was the first British goalkeeper to be involved in a �1m transfer?
Nigel Martyn - Bristol Rovers to Crystal Palace 1989: Correctly answered by Jinder Singh

As a finale to the European club season, last night's Champions League Final will hardly go down in the annuls of history as one to remember, although that's hardly unusual for the biggest club game on the continent. Fair play to Porto though who, whilst not setting the world alight with excitement, played their tactics perfectly and frustrated Monaco to the point where attacks were being snuffed out far before reaching the final third. At the other end, Porto's occasional assaults on goal were clinical effective and you can only admire the sheer simplicity of it all. Equally nice to see was the Portuguese side not needing to resort to diving, play-acting and time-wasting, apart from a couple of late incidents with keeper Victor Baia, although being three goals up reduced the need for such tactics I guess. All told, an unremarkable final and ultimately, almost as one sided as the FA Cup Final, however my biggest regret remains not taking notice of a friend who said, before the second round games when Porto were paired with Man United, "Don't write Porto off. They are well organised and could spring a surprise!"

The big story on the front of many of today's papers is a tragic one of a child who sadly became the first youngster to die of obesity in Britain! The girl was just three years old, yet weighed more than SIX STONE (84 pounds!) and ultimately not only did her breathing suffer due to the excess fat in her body, but her internal organs couldn't cope with the additional strain. It's a sad tale, yet equally a shocking indictment of today's `fast food` lifestyle that many of us live. I'll admit it, we visit McDonalds, Burger King and KFC on occasions, purely for ease, however how far does it go? People are quick enough to blame ads on the TV and in the papers for crisps and choccy bars, yet as parents, we don't have to buy these for our children and, even if we do, surely having them as a treat rather than a meal replacement is the preferred option. Naturally, as kids get older they'll make their own choices, something that a three-year old cannot do, which begs the question as to how the parents allowed their daughter to get to such a size without doing anything to counteract it.

Friday 28th May 2004
"Here come the woman, with the look in her eye. Raised on leather, with flesh on her mind." (Song)

When England beat Italy 3-2 in November 1934, seven players came from the same club. Which club?
Arsenal: Correctly answered by Matt Robbins

Big slap on the wrist for yours truly as I didn't even realise that there was a big night of international football taking place yesterday evening. Only when flicking through the Sky Channels waiting for `24`, did I catch part of the Republic of Ireland's game against Romania. Further investigation revealed that not only did the Irish eventually win 1-0 - a game only notable for the return of Roy Keane to green duty - but that Wales drew 0-0 in Norway and that Scotland actually won a game - 1-0 in Estonia with both nations agreeing on a suitable kick off time on this occasion. The only thing that baffles me now is why? After a long season, why do Wales have to travel all the way to Norway and the Scots to Estonia for friendlies, when the players should be relaxing after 38+ games last season! I can understand those nations building up for Euro2004 or the Copa America, but this wasn't the case for the matches mentioned. How long before a bigwig somewhere moans about `players playing too many games!`.

I reckon I must be getting to that age where the brain cells die quicker than they can be resurrected, as I've had a couple of classic `blonde` moments of late. Having changed our car a couple of weeks ago, the fact that we now have a silver one instead of a light blue one has thrown us all a little, however yesterday, having parked ours further down the road than usual the night before, I spent a few seconds trying - and failing - to get the remote central locking to work, until realising that the car I was pointing it at wasn't actually ours! But, that's nothing compared to last Sunday when I needed to photocopy a letter a work and send a copy out to each of our 35 paperboys/girls the following day. Having set it all up, I started the copier up and let it run whilst getting on with something else, only to find to my horror that all 35 copies came out blank. Swearing at the machine did little apart from make me feel better and having opened it all up and found no problems, I was at a dead loss as to what was wrong. Only when I found the original letter tucked under the counter, did I realise my howler!

Saturday 29th May 2004
"Spiders have a highly developed sense of smell, the perfume might confuse them." (Film)
Eight Legged Freaks: Correctly answered by Kirsty
Who were the last sixth placed club to win promotion to the Prem via the Play Offs?

If, at the start of the season, each club is issued with a `Get Out Of Jail Free` type of card, to enable them to wriggle out of tricky situations, then I reckon that Crystal Palace not only had one from Chance and Community Chest, but also nabbed them from the South London and South Waled editions as well! This past season, they were 20th as recently as December. They've been in the top six (therefore a play-off place) for just one week! They were out of the play offs until a late, late equaliser by West Ham at Wigan sent the latter into seventh and Palace back to sixth on the final day. They were out of the semi-finals at Sunderland until a stoppage time goal, which shouldn't have been allowed due to a foul on the keeper, sent the game to extra time and a subsequent penalty shoot out win. Then today, they completed an astonishing run with victory in the final, ironically against West Ham, the very club that kept them in the play offs, and even then had a stroke of luck when a penalty should have been awarded against them when Carrick was fouled by Leigertwood (thanks to Matt for the reminder on that one!) Not so much `Get Out Of Jail Free`, more a matter of `Here's The Key, Have The Run Of The Country!".

Earlier this month I did predict that Palace would win the play offs overall, largely due to their superb run at the tail end of the season and, ultimately that's how it panned out, even though on a personal level I'd have prefered the Hammers to go up. That said, Palace looked the better of the two clubs in Cardiff today as they defending solidly, aside from one moment in the first half, and looked dangerous going forward at pace. The only goal was slightly lucky, but did emphasise the importance of following up shots at goal and whilst Neil Shipperly did just that, the Hammers defence didn't. Palace's three previous attempts in the Prem have all been one season wonders, it remains to be seen if they can break that curse next season.

Sunday 30th May 2004
"So if I call you, don't make a fuss. Don't tell your friends about the two of us." (Song)

Brighton's record transfer fee paid was remarkably to Man United in 1980 when they paid �500,000 for which striker?

Well, well, well! Brighton, who were one game away from dropping out of the league in 1997, will be playing Leeds in a league fixture next season! Such is the beauty and unpredictability of football that almost anything is possible and that was proved today as the Seagulls won promotion to division one for the second time in three years, courtesy of a play off win against Bristol City. In truth, the game itself was instantly forgetable and it was as though all thew excitement quota had been used up in the semi-finals. That will matter little to Brighton though who needed a late penalty to secure the win, converted confidentally by Leon Knight who could well be one of the stars of next season. The one over-riding memory of the game (and there weren't many to choose from!) was Brighton boss Mark McGhee who allowed himself about a second of delight when the penalty went in, shown by a clenching of fists, before getting straight back to serious mode as he desperately tried to organise his side as they celebrated the goal. You could almost hear them saying, "At least give us a minute to enjoy the goal boss!"

We're going through a major `house de-clutter` situation at the moment as, one room at a time, we get rid of some of the junk that we've either never used or will never use again - not all that easy for a family of hoarders like us! Today, I did the attic which aside from being my computer room, has also become a dumping ground for books and mags belonging to myself and my daughter. Ultimately, I had a radical clean up and the room looks terrific, not to mention easy to navigate without the need to step over and balance around piles of crap as though you were doing an army assault course! Just how long it stays like that remains to be seen, but I'm determined. It must have had some effect because as I type, my daughter is doing the same in her room which really is saying something!!

Monday 31st May 2004
"I saw a young officer on deck the other day, and he looked damn familiar... even with his clothes on." (Film)

Which Liverpool legend was also manager of Huddersfield during the 1950s?

I'm sure I'm not alone in picking out moments in games when, had a tight decision or piece of luck gone a different way, then the result could have ultimately been so different. Mansfield will likely took at two such `Turning Points` after today's defeat on penalties sent Huddersfield into the second division whilst the Stags remain in the third. Despite being goalless, it was the most enjoyable play off of the weekend, largely due to the `Fear Factor` not being quite as obvious as the previous two games and both clubs looking to win it, indeed Mansfield will feel that they should have won it a minute into stoppage time when Colin Larkin had a late goal disallowed after the linesman judged that the ball had gone over the goalline before Laurent D'Jaffo cut it back! This was the very definition of a tight decision as, even after a couple of replays, it was hard to say either way whether it was out or not. The other turning point came in the shoot out! Now, it's easy to sit here in my newly cleaned attic room and state that at 2-0 down in a penalty shoot out, the one thing NOT to try is the `Panenka style chip`, however Liam Lawrence tried just that and although the keeper was caught out, the striker gave it too much air and it clipped the bar and went over! The rest is history. I'm very much in the school of thought that, in shoot outs, the best policy is simply to welly it as hard as possible and I daresay that Lawrence, who had scored 12 penalties previously this season, will be thinking similar, although lets not forget that he wasn't the only one to miss.

So, in the best traditions of Looney Tunes, "That's all folks!!" at least for season 2003-04. I've been doing this diary on a daily basis for a year now so I'm taking an enforced summer break from it. That said, it's been hugely enjoyable and thanks to everyone who visited and played along with the quiz and lyrics, it makes it all the more worthwhile. The diary will return in time for 2004-05 at the beginning of August, however I am doing a special Euro 2004 diary from June 11th on, rather spookily, my Euro 2004 page. Have a great summer! Gary.

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