Well, well, well!! Doesnt time fly when you're having fun eh! It's remarkable to think that it's almost three years since I decided that I no longer had the time to update and maintain Footiemad and reluctantly ended an enjoyable reign. However, circumstances change and I'm back! We still have the cats (remember Muffin and Dusty!) and also have a dopey golden retreiver (named Floyd) to keep them company. I'm still married to the wonderful Heidi and our daughter is rapidly growing up and looking forward to secondary school this September. In what seems no time at all, she's developed from being heavily into Postman Pat and Barney (Yes, that irratating purple dinosaur!) to loving the likes of Atomic Kitten, Gareth Gates and the Unfortunate Events series of book! Makes you feel old doesnt it!!

So, what's happened in the real world over the last three years or so? Big news here in the UK was the death of the Queen Mum and, more recently, the attacks on Iraq over which I intend to pass no comment at all. Worldwide of course, but notably in the USA, the events of September 11th 2001 have totally dominated recent history. My wife and I were in London on that fateful day and heard of the attacks on the twin towers when coming out of the hospital. To be honest, it all seemed unreal whilst driving the 100+ miles back home whilst listening to the events unfold on the radio. We simply couldn't imagine what sort of images would be flashed at us consistantly over the forthcoming days on the news and in the papers. The most surreal part of the day was driving past Heathrow airport (before planes were grounded) and watching these huge planes sail over our heads whilst listening to the news from New York on the car radio. Lets hope nothing every happens on such a massive scale again.

In May 2000, things were looking very bright for my beloved Leeds United. We'd just reached the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup and were in the Champions League for the next season. This proved a great culture shock for various top clubs around Europe as we battled out way to a semi-final defeat against Valencia and to say that things were looking good wss an understatement. Sadly, it's all gone somewhat haywire since with a dip in form costing us a place in the CL league last season and costing David O'Leary his job. Terry Venables came and went within nine months and after a very nervous brush with relegation, we eventually survived under the helm of interim boss Peter Reid, who now holds the position full time. Among all that came the news that financially we were as secure as water in a sieve and massive debts, reportedly in the region of £80m, meant that many top name international players were sold during the Venables reign, most galling being the sale of Rio Ferdinand to Man United. Despite this, the bank balance still looks poor and more name players may well leave this summer, with Mark Viduka, Paul Robinson, Alan Smith and Harry Kewell among the most marketable. In my opinion, at least one will leave (Kewell) and other might as well - us Leeds fans can only cross our fingers and hope for the best!

Finally for today, just a reminder that the trivia and lyric quiz is back. If you know either answer on any day, mail me via the link below and you'll get a name check on site under the question. - Good luck

During the summer it's often hard to distinguish between transfer fact and transfer fiction. Which stories in the media are on the verge of happening and which are simply back page space fillers with as much substance as a piece of carboard! What has certainly happened is that Arsenal legend David Seaman has joined Man City at the ripe old age of 39 (he'll be 40 in September!), however what I can't understand is why the media are slatting Arsenal and Arsene Wenger. `Shockingly` Wenger allegedly told Seaman that he'd now be third choice keeper and would have to take a pay cut! At the wrong side of 40, I reckon that the Frenchman is perfectly within his rights to do this and that Seaman, a player who I do like despite his stupid haircut, equally was well within his rights to leave - so why the big uproar? Wenger's priority remains Arsenal FC and he needs to do whatever he feels is the correct thing for the club on a LONG TERM basis and if that includes blooding a new keeper, albeit one in the shape of Stuart Taylor who's already proved himself to be a capable stopper, then so be it. On the flip side of things, how about the understudies at Man City - namely forgotten man Nicky Weaver. After learning from Great Dane Peter Schmeichel last season, they can now study David Seaman - two of the all time great Premiership keepers.

Ever have one of those days when nothing quite goes to plan? Working in a busy, local independant newsagent, if anything screws up, it tends to get noticed, either straight away or later on. This morning myself and my work colleague both made prats of ourselves in front of customers. It was my turn first up as I failed to spot that she'd left a bottle of Lucozade open on the counter by the till and as I handed back change to a customer, my arm caught the bottle and pulled it down, splashing the contents over the counter, the floor and onto me. Thankfully the floor took the main brunt of the fizzy orange mess. Within half an hour, she then went to clear away a few empty tea and coffee cups from behind the counter and succeeded in dropping one! The more educated among you will know that china cups don't bounce when they hit the ground and true to form, this one didnt either, resulting in a 24 piece, 3D china jigsaw puzzle! So, in the interest of safety, I've taken an active decision not to go near places of danger at home today - the washing machine, the cooker, the sink as washing-up could be hazardous and naturally the vacuum! You can never be too cautious after all!

So, Leeds boss Peter Reid has laid the ball firmly into the court of Harry Kewell over the future of the Australian, stating that it's up to Harry as to what he does next season. Obviously, I and fellow Leeds fans would love him to sign a new contract and remain at Elland Road for the next five years, but equally we need to wake up and smell the coffee here! Kewell has a year left on his contract and could walk away next summer with no fee payable to Leeds and a whacking great signing on fee for him. Equally, he could ask to leave this summer and earn his club a decent few million quid which would help ease past debts over various purchases, extravagances and goldfish. Also he could stay at Leeds, but lets be truthful, if he's thinking of furthering his career, then he is not going to make that step, especially with a child on the way and a girlfriend who makes her living acting in soap operas. Kewell has made no secret of his desire to play abroad in the past, but for what it's worth, I reckon he'll still be in the Premiership next season, however it'll be in a red shirt, not a white one. Now, whether that's Arsenal or Man United is anyone's guess!

Recently, whilst walking around a car boot sale with TWMBO (They Who Must Be Obeyed - my wife and daughter!), my daughter happened to stop looking for cuddly pandas as she spotted a pile of old vinyl albums circa 1970/80 ish. These were those massive black pieces of plastic the size of a TV screen which used to be used to play our music! Now, my nine-year old, having grown up in the CD/DVD era, had no idea what they were but seemed okay once I'd explained how they worked when I was a kid. However, it got me thinking that apart from how the hell did we ever find room for these things, I wonder what the youth of say 2030 will make of it when they see a pile of CDs from 2003 and ask their parents, "What are they?" With technology flying along at an amazing pace, it's anyone's guess what the next generation of kids will use to record and listen to music, probably something the size of a postage stamp which has the capacity of six current DVDs, however in 2030, you can bet your life that they'll also think how primative it was to ONLY have 80 minutes of music on one CD.

Recently I've become less interested in international football. Don't get me wrong, I still love the thrill of major tournaments and can just about handle the qualifiers, however the so-called friendlies are rapidly getting on my wick. I'm not an England follower (my Scottish relations saw to that!) and it may be why recent games have left me in a position where I couldnt care less whether I watch them or not. Eleven substitutions and four different captains may be vitally important to Mr Eriksson, but it leaves me flat. It's rather like entrants in the Eurovision Song Contest singing for two minutes before letting a compatriot take over `to gain experience of the occasion (although judging by the UK showing last month, maybe that's not such a bad idea!). That said, it was good to see Scotland gain a creditable draw against Germany today and if they could now learn to raise their game against the supposed smaller nations, then they may stand an outside chance of reaching a major set of finals again. Until then, I fear that the Tartan Army can only look forward to watching Euro 2004 on the goggle box.

I didnt see the Scotland game today, or indeed the Republic of Ireland's late, late win against Albania. It was all in a good cause though as instead, I was at the rather wonderful and spectacular Wells Cathedral (or the green in front to be exact) where my daughter took part in the annual Country Dancing festival. Over 1,000 children from 73 West of England schools took part and it was brilliant to see the age of innocence still very much in evidence and see so many smiling faces and proud parents. The final dance of the day is always repeated so that the kids can grab their watching parents and give them a chance to make fools of themselves and along with many others, your truly did just that. Proving that I wasnt born with two left feet, but somehow gained them between puberty and parenthood, I got totally confused as to which way to `swing your partner ( my daughter) around` and then managed to step on the heels of the lady behind me who was dancing with another school. I only made that mistake once as she was bigger than me!

I'm not a big fan of the Beckham's, however I like David's `family first` attitude to life and was interested to read an interview in which he stated that if (when??) he leaves Manchester United, then the decision as to where he goes will be as much down to wife Victoria as it will be to him. He adds that there are two careers to consider - although even the most optimistic person would concede that Posh's singing career has been on a somewhat downward spiral since the Spicers went their seperate ways. However, David is absolutely right in what he says and, a bit like me, he clearly knows who wears the proverbial trousers in his household and is spot on when asking his wife to decide between the shopping areas in the likes of Roma, Milan, Madrid or Barcelona? It's a tough choice isn`t it, and David must beware that he doesnt give Victoria too much leeway in her decision - or he could become the newest midfielder for the New York Metrostars!

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were asked to be Godparents to an eight-year old girl (Hi Natasha) that we know. Naturally we accepted and today, along with her older sister (Hi Chana!) they were officially baptized at their local church. Unlike yesterday's failed attempt at country dancing, all went well today and the ceremony passed off with no problems at all, however it did give all those present the opportunity to witness something that only occurs on very rare and special occasions. Halley's Comet, a total eclipse of the sun, no traffic jams on the M5/M6 interchange? Nope, none of these can compare to the lesser spotted species that is Gary-in-a-suit-and-tie! As usual when I don such articles of clothing, I looked like someone with a head transplant and was only too glad to get home to change into something normal. One final thing though, as my suit was around 11 years old, it's remarkable how the trousers have shrunk over time. Years ago, I needed a belt to keep them up, today I turned purple trying to get into them...!

With the new fixtures due out in around ten days, the Premier League's computer is probably already doing it's number crunching and churning out various pairings for each matchday. It's one hell of a job when you consider that the rules for each set of games are very strict. City's with two clubs must have one at home and one away each day. Certain seaside based clubs are always away on Bank Holiday Monday's - Bournemouth, Southend, etc, and how the opening weekend should almost always bring up a fixture with a potential for volitility. This opening day freak of nature could bring us a number of possible fixtures for August 16th this season and that's even before the bulk of the summer transfers are completed. For example, maybe Leeds will host Aston Villa (O'Leary returns to Elland Rd) or perhaps Newcastle (the return of Bowyer and Woodgate). How about Southampton at home to Wolves as visiting boss Dave Jones returns to the club which effectively sacked him over unfounded child abuse allegations. However, if I had to put my money on any possible opening day clash, I'd like to go for Leicester at home to Birmingham as Robbie Savage returns to the club that he left due to relegation a year ago. Of course, none of these may occur, but you never know...

In the build up to Christmas last year, the UK public were treated to `Pop Rivals`, one of those shows where thousands of hopeful wannabees are eventually whittled down to ten (five lads and five girls) to make two pop bands. They then contested the Xmas charts where the girls (Girls Aloud), pipped the boys (One True Voice) to the coveted Xmas number one spot. Now, call me cynical but I'm always wary of these type of `viewers vote` programmes as I feel that the organisers must have a pretty good idea of who they want once they've get down to the final 50 or so and the viewers votes are almost irrelevant - I mean do they really want someone with the voice of an angel and the face of a gorilla! However, that said, these manafactured bands, whilst obviously talented, are missing one vital component, which ultimately sees the band end prematurely. Take two of my personal faves - REM and U2 - both bands who knew the other members from a young age. They all got to know each other's good and bad points and their primary functions, whether each member was a good singer or songwriter or guitarist or whatever and eventually they gelled perfectly to become a highly accomplished outfit which each doing what they were good at. The fame and fortune came only after they'd known and worked with each other for years and, 15-20 years on, both are still going strong. With manafactured bands, they only really get to know each other as the fame is heaped upon them and it's surely one hell of a lot to take in with the press and the media following your every move. Sooner or later, an ego or two takes over and feels that he or she would be better off on a solo career and breaks away - end of band. It happened with S Club 7 (manafactured for a TV show), Here`Say (although the runners up, Liberty X are still going) and today, surprise, surprise, One True Voice are about to go belly up. According to the paper, one member - Daniel - wants to go solo after their second single only reached number ten in the charts and there you have the problem. The initial rush and high is so intense that when it all dies down and the public and media lose interest, the novelty wears off. One True Voice lasted seven months - if Girls Aloud are still around in another twelve months, then maybe I'll change my views.

Rumours in the media today that Francis Jeffers is to be transfer listed by Arsenal. The so-called `fox in the box` has been a little unlucky at Highbury to be in the pecking order behind the likes of Bergkamp, Henry, Wiltord and perhaps level with Kanu, however for a player who cost in the region of £10m, he can perhaps feel hard done by to have only featured in a handful of games over the last two years, although in fairness to the Gunners, injuries haven't exactly helped his cause either. If he does leave North London, then at 22, he still has the best part of his career ahead of him and will be a decent aquisition to whichever club takes him on, although he'd be better still if he can get out of his annoying habit of diving in the penalty area! One final thought - what if he would have stayed at Everton? Can you imagine the strength and speed of Wayne Rooney alongside the cunning and quick mind of Jeffers? Now that would be some young ENGLISH pairing!

Both of our cats - Muffin and Dusty - have their own little cat house in our bathroom where they sleep, (due to the birds and hamster, they aren't allowed in any other rooms overnight) however you can bet that the dopey creatures will lay their heads down anywhere except their purpose bought houses each night! Last night, Dusty decided that the bathroom mat right in front of the toilet would be best and this wasn't a problem until a half-awake person needed to use the loo in the middle of the night. Sadly, in my semi-zombiefied state, I failed to spot Dusty until I put my foot on what I think was his back, resulting in the terrified feline almost breaking the decible level with his screech as he tore through the car flap like an out of control torpedo! Equally, yours truly was flying through the air with all the poise and grace of a sumo wrestler and was grateful to get one foot on the solid floor as my back hit the wall, especially with the whites of the toilet rim spinning too close for comfort! I am now certain of two things. Those experts who state that the majority of accidents occur in the home are absolutely dead right and that nothing quite wakes you up from a half-awake state as stepping on a sleeping cat!

It's gone largely un-noticed, but tonight Michael Owen will make his 50th appearance for England as he captains his nation against Slovakia, making history as the youngest Englishman to reach this particular milestone. In a way, it's probably benefitted Owen that the media tend to concentrate primarily on Messers Rooney and Beckham (especially the latter at present), leaving the rest of the England squad as bit part players as far as the press in concerned. Indeed, aside from that time last season when his gambling habits were at the forefront of the back pages, Owen is barely in the tabloids for anything apart from his actions on the pitch and it's worth remembering that as regards those gambling headlines, he didnt actually do anything wrong anyway. So big congrats to Owen ahead of tonight's game and it would be no real surprise if, in 6-7 years time, Owen also breaks the record for the 100th cap as well, although the way subs are used like confetti in friendlies, it may well not last that long, especially with Mr Rooney breaking onto the scene at such a young age as well.

This week saw the release of one of the summer novelty songs which sticks in your head, despite it being absolutely bloody awful! Yes, the Fast Food Song is out and available and with lyrics like, "McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut!", the do-gooders at some healthy eating headquarters are up in arms about how `irresponsible` the song is. Now, this is NOT a new song, indeed it's well known as a so-called `Playground Chant` and I first heard it sung by a school choir around a year ago, however the do-gooders are worried that it will glorify fast food and make us all junkies for the stuff. I will freely admit that we go to a take-away or fasty food outlet maybe once or twice a week, which may make us `junkies` in the eyes of some, but I would point to the fact that for every other meal, we eat at home and what I would regard as a balanced diet. I have no problems with anyone pointing out what is good and bad for us, however to have it rammed (proverbially) down our throats at every available opportunity is irratating to say the least. After all, just leaving the house to go to work could be a risk - you could get run over by a bus, struck by lightening or fall down a man-hole - but it doesn't make us all reclusive in our own homes.

England's 2-1 win over Slovakia last night was akin to watching something resembling Groundhog Day, with repeats and coincidences cropping up all over the place. As with the game between the nations in Bratislava last October, the Slovakians were a goal ahead at half time only to eventually lose 2-1. Equally, the winning goal came from the head of Michael Owen, as it did eight months ago and finally, the opening goal at the Riverside last night was spookingly similar to David Beckham's equaliser last year! Also along the same lines was the fact that it was another below par display from Eriksson's side and although the second half was far better than the first, it doesn't paper over the fact that Beckham was sadly missed and that the visitors could have been three up by the break. However, this is all ifs and buts and the only thing that matters is the reality that three points were earned as was a guaranteed place in the play offs at the very least. However, there is still the considerable matter of Turkey in Istanbul to overcome next October first. On which point...

I watched the first half of Turkey's 3-2 win against Macedonia and, having gone behind for the second time in five minutes, the home crowd did their bit to give UEFA palpatations and bombarded the celebrating visiting players with various articles thrown from the terraces, one of which - a coin apparently - hit one of the Macedonians on the head, leaving him somewhat disorientated. Now, I'm sure I don't need to detail the sort of reception that often greets away players at Galatasaray's stadium and indeed those events of April 2001 which left two Leeds fans stabbed to death ahead of a UEFA Cup semi final, but whilst I like the Turkish people in general, there's little doubt that some of them do take things far too far. Following the recent pitch invasion when England beat Turkey at Sunderland, the English fans were put in the dock to the extent that any repeat could result in the nation being kicked out of Euro 2004. Isn't it about time that other nations get similar threats hanging over their heads when it's warranted? Or is it a case of one rule for one....

According to one of the papers today, it's 57 days until the new season starts (I've not checked this, so don't blame me if it's wrong) and it reminded me of a story a couple of weeks ago regarding real hardcore fans who suffer from a kind of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) when there's no football to watch! Usually SAD is an illness for those who hate the winter and can't cope with the cold and frost, however it would appear to be the opposite when football supporters are involved. I'd be the first to admit that when I was a bit, actually a lot, younger, then I hated the non-football months, but when you have a family and work to think about, then it's a totally different matter. Okay, so we all love football and will be thrilled when the new season kicks off in August, however it doesn't mean that life totally switches off until then surely? I wonder how long it will be before these SAD (quite appropriate acronym really!) suffers are recognised as having a genuine illness and are able to take time off work because of it. Now that would be SAD!

Recently, I've noticed an increasing trend as regards what me and my wife used to call `the clipboard mob`. You must have seen these people who hang around in town and city centre's and then acost you and try and entice you to join a catalogue or send £25 a month to save the rain forests. This was taken a step further before Christmas when our local HomeBase (DIY Chainstore) actually had reps walking around the store trying to offer you their `StoreCards` which are little more than inflated rate credit cards. This annoyed me as being stopped by a clipboard when I'm outside is bad enough, but not when we're looking for bloody paint in the shop! Lately, even when you buy goods (at BHS on Monday for example), the first words from the assistant at the till is not, "Hello.", it's "Would you be interested in a storecard to help pay for your purchases?" WHAT??? FOR £8.50??? NO I WOULD NOT!!!! Now today, outside one of our supermarkets in town, we have two nicely suited men by a cardboard stand offering a well known credit card to anyone who happens to pass within 15 feet of their display. "Only 14.9%APR" says the huge placard above them, which was useful actually as it enabled me to spot them from a long way off and avoid them like the plague. Surely it's not too much to ask to be able to walk around shops without being hassled for store/credit cards. No wonder so many people are so heavily into debt.

Today is Friday the 13th!!! Jason!!!!!!

Basil Fawlty once said of the guests in his Torquay based hotel that we "have both ends of the evolutionary scale in this week." Now, whilst that line may be fondly recalled from the vaults of BBC comedy, it's an interesting comparison to two players at very different stages of the footballing scale today. David Beckham and Shaun Goater were both named in the Queen's Birthday Honours list but what a difference in their current situations. Beckham looks certain to leave Man United and has the choice of two of the best Spanish clubs and, perhaps a couple of decent Italian clubs as well. His annual income will be well into the millions and his name alone is a very marketable commodity and likely to be worth an absolute fortune as well. He's at the peak of his career - mid to late 20's - and could easily become one of the world's most recognised faces - if the Americans let him of course! Goater however, has left Man City at the age of 33 and is one of hundreds looking for another club as he reaches the twilight of his career. An average of just under a goal every two games for City suggests that there is still life in the Goat yet and it will be interesting to see where he ends up next season. I'm also reliably informed that he has never forgotten his Burmudan upbringing and spends a lot of time helping with the grass roots game in his home nation. Both very different players and lifestyles, not to mention incomes, but both will be celebrating today despite having perhaps more important things on their minds at present. Becks and the Goat, congratulations.

Unlike my wife, both myself and my daughter are avid readers and love to get involved in a decent novel. Indeed, the landing (where the majority of my books are) and her bedroom resemble something akin to a mini library. Recently then, with my wife at work, we decided to take full advantage of the warm weather (yes really!) and get the sun loungers into the garden and relax with a cold drink in one hand and a book in the other. Now, whilst this all sounds like a lovely way to relax and enjoy the summer, my daughter is one who insists on bombarding you with questions, usually just as you get to a decent bit of the book. "What page/chapter are you on Dad?" being one of her best ones and as anyone whose ever read James Patterson will know, his chapters are usually three pages long and the book usually ends on chapter 154! Or how about, "So, what's happening in your book at the moment?" This one is even more tricky as I tend to enjoy horror and thriller above and beyond anything else, so explaining violent murders and police investigations is not always easy! Don't get me wrong though as I'm not complaining. In the current day and age where technology rules our lives more than we care to admit, it's nice to do something for entertainment which was also being enjoyed a few centuries ago.

Today is the day that Barcelona members and shareholders elect their new president. Now, usually this news would attract very little interest in England, but unless you've been living on Mars for the last month, you'll know that one of the candidates has made it his priority to sign David Beckham if he's elected. This of course is aside from the fact that Beckham's agents DON'T want to talk to Barca and that the club are not in the Champions League this season. While I'm not 100% certain of the rules and regulation surrounding these club elections, or indeed, how often they happen, I wondered what it would be like if the same happened in England as regards club chairman! Normally we see pitch protests and similar radical approaches before any chairman is forced out, but what if each club had an election every 2-3 years. Would `Deadly` Doug Ellis still reside at Villa Park? Would Ken Bates still be spreading the blue gospel at Chelsea? And what of former Leeds chief Peter Ridsdale? Three years ago he was a hero for the way he handled the awful events of Istanbul in April 2000, how he's out of the seat having come close to bankrupting the club and apparently heading for Barnsley! How things change.

I've never taken any great interest in so-called reality TV shows such as Big Brother. They leave me cold as I'm simply not intested in a bunch of `never-will-be's` together in a house for twelve weeks! I did however catch a couple of episodes of "I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Back On TV" or whatever it was called, but that was largely due to my wife watching it. The makes and producers know that they need to, not only equal previous shows, but also make new ones bigger and better - hence Irish TV company RTE giving the genre a new boost by setting their show - Cabin Fever - on a boat! This vessel was due to sail around the Emerald Isle making a few stops on the way, however a proverbial spanner was put in the works when it hit rocks and sunk yesterday! The producers said that the nine contestants had suffered `trauma`! I'm not surprised!! The thing is that it's very simple to control the enviroment within four walls and even within a makeshift Australian jungle, but the sea is another matter and the only surprise to me is that the show was ever given the go ahead to be made. What's next I wonder? "Hot Stuff" where the contestants live at the foot of a volcano? Maybe some of the Big Brother mob would like to take part...!

Whilst the Prem season ended almost five weeks ago, the Spanish campaign is still alive and kicking and has one more matchday to go. Last night, I sat down and watched the Madrid derby as Athletico hosted their title seeking city rivals from Real. The visitors won at a canter by 4-0 in a game that many experts expected to be close, and with Real Sociedad losing at Celta Vigo, it put the Madrid side top of La Liga knowing that a win in their final game will clinch the title. What fascinated me though was how, midway through the second half, Luis Figo was pelted by various missiles from home fans as he tried to take a corner and whilst he may well have been taking his time to take the kick, it was remarkable to see Roberto Carlos usher him away from the corner flag and for some home players to appeal to their `fans` to stop throwing things. At the risk of repeating myself, what price the over-reaction had this occurred at a Prem game or England international?

In this busy day and age when some of us run and live their lives at 100mph, it's a least reassuring to know that many people are making everyday things easier and quicker almost by the week. Take paying bills for example. As well as the good old traditional ways of paying, such as direct debit, post and via the bank or postal office, many invoices can also be paid via the telephone and even the Internet. Surely this would suit just about everyone in one way. But, whilst out with my wife today in a busy shopping arcade, I was surprised to see a young lady - probably aged around the early 20s - sat on a public bench with a bagette in one hand and two or three pieces of paper and a credit card in the other! As I waited a few yards away whilst my wife went into a shop which didnt interest me, I heard bagette girl speaking quite loudly on her mobile and asking, "But can I pay this over the phone?", which was following very soon by, "Great, here's the number." and proceeded to read out her card number...over her mobile...in the middle of a busy shopping arcade! Has our hectic lifestyle really come to this?

Incidentally, today's lyric comes from a suggestion by my daughter. So I apologise in advance!

It wasn't long ago that many clubs were paying way over the odds for various players who perhaps could best be described as average. My Leeds United side were one of the more flamboyant as regards transfer dealings and ultimately it has left us in a situation where, last season in patricular, we had to sell to keep our heads above the financial waters. Experts predicted that the bubble would burst and sure enough, I believe it has done just that with only the richest of the rich being able to really afford to have a decent look around the open transfer market. However, I found a list of players who were all released from their Premiership clubs at the end of the season and are effectively available for no fee as they are no longer attached to any club. From this list I compiled a full line up, which whilst perhaps not Championship material, would certainly give a few clubs a run for their money. The clubs in brackets are the sides which they were last employed by.
Goalie: Tim Flowers (Leicester)
Back Four: Oleg Luhzny (Arsenal), Colin Hendry (Bolton), Albert Ferrer (Chelsea), David May (Man Utd)
Midfield: John Collins (Fulham), Patrik Berger (Liverpool), Jody Morris (Chelsea), Nicky Summerbee (Leicester)
Forwards: Teddy Sheringham (Spurs), Paolo di Canio (West Ham)
Not a bad line up is it with at least three Premiership winners and two Champions League winners in the side, not to mention a wealth of European experience. Maybe just a little the wrong side of 30 as regards average age though!

In our town there is a decent sized venue called the Cheese & Grain. It's large enough for farmers markets, gigs from local bands and traditional Monday night bingo, hence our surprise then when, along with 170-odd other parents, we had an invite to meet our daughter's soon-to-be teacher at the aforementioned venue last night - a Monday. When we pulled up, we were a little alarmed to see a distinct lack of other parents (not to mention teachers!) but a definite pressance of bingo loving 70-somethings, puffing away at their Woodbines and Marlboro's. Hastily we got the invite out to check the time and day, which was indeed correct, and then noticed to our horror that the venue was actually at the school for a....Cheese and WINE gathering! Oops! Cue one hasty exit from two embarrassed parents!

At last! It's finally a real deal as David Beckham officially rejects the advances of Barcelona and Milan, not to mention the lure of Leeds United or Frome Town and plumped for a four-year deal at Real Madrid. In truth, once they took an interest, there was unlikely to be any other outcome as although Barca were always making the running, they are not in the Champions League next season, indeed they may not even be in the UEFA Cup, and Beckham had become acustomed to playing an annual part in Europe's biggest competition. How well he fits it at the Bernabeu with all the other stars, or indeed how he does on the pitch remains to be seen, however his first problem is to win over the fans. Whilst at Old Trafford, ever fan and his dog worshipped him, it's a different matter at Real and whilst he may be proclaimed as a hero at the moment, a few dodgy displays and the fans may well wonder why the money was splashed out. But as I said, only time will tell and we'll see what I'll be writing about him this time next year?

So what of Man United now that Sir Alex has flexed his muscles and shown that no player will ever be bigger than the club. Whilst Beckham cannot be replaced as far as marketing ability is concerned, I dont feel that United will suffer hugely on the pitch because of the departure. Beckham was left out a few times last season, notably away at Newcastle when United put on what I believe was their best domestic performance of the season to destroy the Toon Army 6-2 on their own patch. On that day, Beckham was missed as much as a drill in the foot, however you could equally argue of his ability to change games from the bench, notably the CL QF at home, ironically, to Real. But, that said, before United fans begin slaughtering Sir Alex or burning their annual rail passes from Cornwall to Manchester, I have little doubt that at least one big name will arrive at the club this summer and that the loss of any player (yes, even Beckham) will not unduly wreck the remainder of the squad. Of course, if United are trophyless this time next year, then Sir Alex will have some rare pressure over his head, but I'll stick my neck out now and say that it's unlikely.

Finally on Beckham for now, I wonder just how his new team-mates will react to his arrival. If you believe all you read then Raul doesnt want to give up his number seven shirt at all, leading to a report today that Beckham will take the 77 shirt! But, whilst in public I have little doubt that everything will be all smiles, I'll leave you with a wonderful quote in the paper today from Real keeper Iker Cassillas who angrily told reporters, "Beckham may the most marketable player in the world, but it doesnt make him the fu**ing best!". Welcome to Madrid David.

Once again, the FA have really outdone themselves as regards perfect arrangements for an international game as they announced yesterday that England's next friendly - against Croatia - will be played at Portman Road, Ipswich. Now, I've absolutely no problems with that at all as it's a decent stadium and indeed has hosted Premiership football in recent years. What I do have a slight irratation about is the timing - August 20th, just four days after the new season kicks off! This means that all players selected will leave their clubs within a day of their opening league game and only return less than two days before their second game. No time for club bosses to iron out any problems from the opening game or talk tactics to any great degree ahead of the next match. So, I wonder about two things now. One: How many managers will pull players out of the squad with a `niggling injury` picked up mysteriously during the opening weekend and Two: With subs used like confetti in friendlies now, how many players will actually play the entire 90 minutes against Croatia? I would lay money that the first figure will be higher than the second!

I used to enjoy flicking through the old `Innovations` catalogue - you know the free one that always fell out of papers and mags and was full of various gadgets and general crap that no-one wanted. Sadly, it is no more, however the new kid on the block, called "Inspired Choices" was discovered on the floor of the newsagents where I work this week and, true to form, is jammed full of `useful` items to `make life easier for you` (Their words, not mine!). Early on we find the `amplified phone ringer` which is ideal for those hard of hearing when the phone goes...of course, hearing who's on the other end is another matter! Then comes the `Hands Free Magnifier` which is a big sheet-type magnifying glass which can hang around you neck and obviously make anything beneath it look bigger...Hmmm. However, as the mini-mag progresses, I must confess that my personal favourite is the book which explains some secrets of the garden. And I quote (and these are all genuine excerpts from the book!)
"Fight Lawn Disease With Mouthwash" - Presumably, throwing Listerine on your grass helps against nasty beasts!
"Give Your Houseplants The Odd Whiskey And Watch Them Grow" - Shortly before they keel over and throw up I assume!
"Eliminate lawn thatch with beer" - I have no idea what lawn thatch is, but I cant imagine pouring beer over your lawn will go down well with most households. However, the best is yet to come....
"Spank Your Trees To Get Them To Grow" - Comments are best left unsaid here!!

Tomorrow is a momentus day in the European football calender as the 2003-4 season officially kicks off. Nope, I'm not going loopy as the much maligned InterToto Cup gets underway with the minnows round, eventually leading to three winners (is this the only cup competition where they is more than one winner?) who will each win a place in the UEFA Cup. This year though, not a single Premiership club has applied to take part, even for the lure of European football which Fulham won so impressively last season. But maybe that's the problem. The days of Spurs and Sheffield Wednesday being forced to enter and then sending their youth teams out to Outer Moldova only to get thumped 8-0 are long gone. More recently, Prem clubs have taken it seriously with a modicum of success, however the downside of things is that it means a much earlier start to the season and I believe that this is one of two factors which has put clubs off this time around. The other factor? Well, last season Fulham and Aston Villa entered the InterToto - it may be worth taking a look at the final Prem table! Fulham finished six points above the drop zone, whilst Villa escaped by just three points. The InterToto may have a silly name and may lead to the UEFA Cup, but its not worth losing your top flight status to take that risk.

Muggles. Quidditch. Hagrid. Even if you aren't a fan then you'd probably know that these are all terms or people from the Harry Potter series of novels and of course films. Now, despite being an avid reader and indeed movie buff, I've never read a Potter book and only seen the second of the films (Chamber of Secrets) for the sole reason that I'm not really into fantasy type stories. However, author J.K.Rowling has captured the imagination with her stories and is said to be richer than the Queen so its no surprise to see the release of her fifth novel causing such a stir. The Order of the Pheonix is officially out tomorrow (or midnight tonight to many bookstores who are staying open!) yet this week we've had a batch gone missing and being treated like the crown jewels have been stolen and the authoress herself admitting that one main character is killed off in the new book. Even Ladbrokes and other bookies are taking bets on which character snuffs it (or were until that batch were stolen!) and it got me thinking about those kids and indeed adults, who'll get their copy tomorrow and avidly work their way through it, only to hear on the Six O'Clock News later in the day - and certainly well before they've read it - who the unlucky character was! Finally, I was going to pour some scorn on those mad enough to buy their books a minute after midnight until I recall how I reacted when I heard that Mark Billingham's new novel (Lazy Bones) was out in early July - "Wow, got to get down and get that!"

Whilst it's great to see Man City back into Europe after 24 barren years, I agree with their boss that the way they qualified was a bit embarrasing. To be fair to Kevin Keegan, despite his admission, he isnt going to worry now that the draw has been made and that City are officially in the qualifying round, however UEFA are in danger of making the European competitions a laughing stock. City finished ninth in the Prem last season but won a place in the UEFA Cup courtesy of finishing fifth in the `Fair Play` league for fewest fouls and red/yellow cards. As the four clubs above them were already in Europe, City were next in line. Doubtless fans of Everton were thrilled, especially as they finished seventh in the Prem and became the only club in the top nine not to get into Europe! UEFA are re-vamping things next season with the UEFA Cup not being played in the same week as the Champions League, which itself is also undergoing changes with one `group stage` eliminated completely. They are concerned that the competitions, especially the UEFA Cup, are going stale, however when you need to have a PhD in latin to be able to work out the qualifying rules, who is surprised? When I was first getting into football, the league Champions entered the European Cup, the next 3-4 were in the UEFA Cup and the cup winners entered the (RIP) Cup Winners Cup. All very simple and easy. Now, technically a side who are relegated could end up in the UEFA Cup simply because they have fewer yellow cards than a club in seventh place. Just look at Ipswich last season to prove the point.

Our local paper are starting to run an anti-litter campaign, hoping to encourage everyone in and around the town to stop dropping rubbish and use bins. This is all well and good and I guess the emphasis will be on the young generation to get their act together, however whilst there's no doubt that some kids these days simply couldnt give a stuff where their empty bottle of WKD ends up, there are others who are conscious enough to use litter bins. However, recently I have witnessed a cigaratte packet being bought, opened and then the wrapper and silver foil screwed up and thrown away. I have also seen a bar of chocolate purchased and the wrapper thrown to the ground, even though a bin was a few yards away and I have also spotted a half-eaten pasty thrown into a corner, again with a bin reasonably close. The culprits you may be surprised to learn are NOT acne-ridden teenagers who wear those hooded jackets despite it being boiling hot, neither are they primary school kids with parents who cant be bothered to find a bin. Nope, they were all of the `older` generation aged at least in their 50s, with at least one of them (the cigarette chap) well into his 60s (possibly even 70s). They are quick to moan abaout today's generation, however setting an example themselves would be nice.

Like any job, working in a newsagents has many pro's and con's. The obvious downside is getting up at 3:30am six days a week, however there are many plus points including getting to see most of the papers without actually buying them! Sunday is always good for a few stories, however one of the `red top` tabloids had a front page headline today from David Beckham's Dad, who claims that his transfer to Real has `upset` him as he hasnt much money and can no longer see his son playing. He also slates Sir Alex Ferguson over the sale and adds that David now spends more time with Victoria's family than his own. Huh? Wake up Father Ted, the front page of biggest selling Sunday paper is hardly the place for this sort of thing, especially as he has previously been very vocal in backing his son to the hilt, notably with his "David will never leave United" speeches. Naturally I cant comment on how the relationship is between father and son, however I would hardly think it will improve at all after this rather public outburst.

Equally whilst working, I like looking at the newspaper wars and how the various publications are falling over themselves to offer freebies and special offers to grab a small increase in sales and percentages figures. Two middle-of-the-road papers are plugging a `Free Flights Offer` today and in the past, these same two Sunday papers have been largely responsible for free CDs with the paper covering just about every musical taste from Classical to Punk! There are also sods for our paperboys and girls to get through letterboxes but that's clearly not a consideration from the publishers! Today though, a different `red top` has an offer of £20 off at a well known chainstore, made up of four different £5 vouchers inside the paper. It also claims - in large letters on the front page - NO CATCHES!!! But, in very small type, on the very side of the ad are the giveaway words of "conditions apply." These conditions include NOT being able to buy vitamins, Xmas goods (!), body and bath goods, aromatherapy, minatures or mens goods! Hardly `NO CATCHES` is it?

So, Paul Gascoigne has apparently gone missing from his Chinese club, Gansu Tianma. If ever a player had such a great career ahead of him and then blew it, it was surely Gazza. Many will recall the season that Spurs won the FA Cup in 1991 ( seems a long time ago now eh Spurs fans?) when he almost single-handedly guided the North London side to the final at Wembley against Nottm Forest. Sadly, a summer move to Lazio had to be put on ice for a year when he was so hyped up for the final that he went off injured early on after doing his knee in courtesy of an horrendous tackle on Gary Charles. Indeed, earlier in the game he committed a chest high tackle on another Forest man, so in truth he was lucky not to get sent off. In retrospect, that game may have been an omen as his ability to self destruct, both on and off the field of play blighted him throughout the next decade and whilst we can look back on 1990-1 as probably his golden year, especially that free kick in the SF against Arsenal, we can only wonder what may have been achieved had we used a little more common sense and taken in a little less alcohol.

Whilst driving through Brislington (on the outskirts of Bristol) today, we were stuck in a traffic jam waiting for the lights to turn green, when my wife spotted something ahead of us on her side. "There's a demonstration up ahead", she remarked. Fearing that we were about to be confronted by a batch of unemployed tree worshippers who had taken the staff of the local McDonald's hostage, I asked what she could see. She told me that she could see tents up ahead with the word "Demo" on them, so as I wondered whether or not to turn around and go another way (not easy in Brislington at the best of times!) , the traffic began moving giving me no option but to move with it....and see the local caravan and camping superstore offering their ex-demonstration tents at cheaper prices! Oops!

Imagine this scenario. Season 2006-7 has just ended and Sir Alex Ferguson has guided Man United to their second Championship in four years as well as winning the Champions League twice in the same time scale, although in the season just gone they only managed a Semi Final spot. His reward for this run of success? The sack! I know, it's ridiculous and unlikely to happen and I bet that Real Madrid boss Vicente Del Bosque thought the same after his side clinched the Liga title on Sunday...only to be sacked within 24 hours! Nowadays, the domestic title is no longer good enough for Real Madrid and perhaps other top European clubs as well. They crave European, and indeed World, domination on a regular basis and if it isnt forthcoming, then the manager is expendable, despite winning trophies domestically. It remains to be seen who will take over and how long he lasts, especially if success is slow, however if a certain Mr Beckham needed any warnings about how tough it could be in Spain, he should ask Del Bosque.

You couldnt make it up - part 338! - Only in America could a guy be arrested for trying to save a mother and her kids from an alligator! Yes, in the paper today, a chap spotted an alligator making a rapid bee-line across a road toward a mother and her two girls, so he made a makeshift loop in a rope, wrapped it around the gator's neck and guided it away from the unaware group. However, as he did this, along came a local police officer and arrested the poor guy for being in possession of a dangerous animal! Apparently the poor unfortunate samaritan is likely to be charged and is considering an appeal against such a charge. The official police line is that, rather than try and drag the creature away with the rope, he should have tried to guide the mother and kids to safety, presumably with the gator still making his way toward them! The world is slowly going mad.

Relegation is always a hard pill to swallow, although I've been lucky in the respect that I've only experienced it once with Leeds back in 1982. West Ham fans have been down that proverbial path more than most of late, however last season it was only after a dramatic late claw back from the brink and it left some of their fans in a state of disbelief which doubtless remains to the present day. However, it will all come flooding back today when they see their heroes in the first round draw of the league cup, previously the Worthington Cup and now, from next season, the Carling Cup. Indeed, the Hammers will face Rushden & Diamonds knowing that the clubs were actually four divisions apart in the very recent past and equally aware that their record against lower league clubs in cup competitions is not anything to write home about. Similar could be said of Sunderland who also appear in the opening round, away at Mansfield, after what can only be described as a desperate season last time out. So, if any Black Cats or Hammers fans were still wondering if last season was a bad dream, wake up and smell the Carling.

Whilst I'm totally in favour of the Government's plans to fine drivers who use mobile phones whilst driving (effective from December this year!), it still never ceases to amaze me what other people get up to whilst behind the wheel of a vehicle. I can honestly say that my worst offence (apart from going 41 in a 30 zone - and yes, I did get fined!) is drinking from a bottle of coke or tizer whilst travelling along, however whilst we've all seen others using mobiles, there are other eye-opening things to spot as well. Recently I've witnessed at least two different people trying to read maps, one of which actually had a passenger with him (although it was a lady and we all know how bad their map-reading skills are!), whilst another chap earlier this week was trying to get a cigarette from a packet on the passenger seat just as the traffic lights turned green. My favourite happened this morning though on a estate in our town, as I was out delivering papers. From a distance, it appeared that the female driver had cocked her head on one side for some reason, however as the car got closer, it was apparent that she was trying to brush her hair - her long and seemingly knotty hair - whilst attempting to stay on her side of the road! I guess the lipstick and mascara came next!

Can the last international to leave Elland Road call in the bailiffs please? As I write, I hear confirmation that Leeds have accepted a bid of £3.25m for Paul Robinson from...Aston Villa! Now, whilst Robbo is still to agree personal terms and may still be enticed by Arsenal or Man United, the fee for the future England goalkeeper is ridiculously low, especially as he was valued at £6m not long ago, and you wonder just how bad the debts are the at the club to be able to allow star players to leave at a reduced price, simply to (a) get cash into the club and (b) reduce the wage bill. It's said that Harry Kewell's future will be decided early next week, so I'm predicting a switch to either Arsenal or Man Utd (probably the former) for a fee of £5m or below! Mind you at this rate, Leeds may as well just put him on Ebay and let the highest bidder take him, regardless of price. "No reserve on Kewell everyone - yours for a tenner and a packet of Spearmint Polo's!Buyer pays postage."

With Wimbledon fortnight well and truly upon up, I must admit that I'm not a big fan of tennis, although I did feel annoyed at missing Greg Rudeski's superb swear-fest live on the Beeb yesterday. Working in the shop though, and being in every minute contact with the public, leaves me amazed at how many customers assume that everyone and anyone is interested in the game and watched it all on the TV. Now, these people are often the same ones who moan about `wall to wall` football coverage on terrestial TV everytime the World Cup comes on, or indeed are quick to whinge when Coronation Street is moved back to 10pm just so that ITV can show Man United v Unspellable Eastern European's XI in the Champions League on a Tuesday. It's therefore worth pointing out that so far this week, the BBC are dedicating around 8-9 hours A DAY to tennis! Maybe I'll bear that in mind ready for when the new football season starts.

I will confess that I've not been following the Confederations Cup to any great degree, indeed simply looking for the final scores has been the limit of my interest, however I'm sure I'm not the only one who was shocked and deeply saddened by the untimely death of Cameroon star Marc-Vivien Foe yesterday. The former West Ham star, who played for Man City last season, collapsed with a suspected heart attack in the 71st minute of their game against Columbia yesterday and despite prolonged efforts from the medical team, sadly never regained consciousness and passed away at the ground. The fact that the game was played in sweltering heat may or may not have been relevant, indeed Channel 5 commentator Gary Bloom admitted that it was the hottest temperature that he'd seen a match played in. Even more tragically, Foe's mother, wife and children were watching from the stands, making an awful moment even more unbearable. Foe netted an impressive nine goals from midfield for City last season and was clearly well liked in the footballing world, hence the reaction of the French players ahead of their game against Turkey later in the day and whilst his profession has lost a fine player, it pales into insignificance when we consider what his family and friends are going through. Our thoughts are with all who knew him. It's also a nice touch from Man City to retire his number 23 shirt as a tribute.

The soap opera that is Leeds United Football Club drags ominously on as, firstly Paul Robinson's anticpated move to Villa `breaks down at an early stage` and then boss Peter Reid throws his toys, justifably, out of his pram as he cannot even contact Harry Kewell, let alone get an idea of where he'll be playing next season! The situation with Robinson is interesting though and whilst I'm thrilled that he's staying, I also believe that it's simply delaying the inevitable and that now Man Utd or Arsenal are aware that he's available at a stupidly low price, then one, or both, of them will be in to bid like a shot. Equally interesting was the news that whilst the talks had broken down, the goalkeeper was actually on holiday! Now, assuming that he wasnt led on a sun-kissed beach with a cold drink in one hand and a mobile, chatting to Villa big-wigs on the other, it simply emphasises the massive role played in transfers nowadays by agents and advisors. To the player they serve a valuable purpose, notably getting a best deal at the best price for their client (plus their own cut of course), however they must be an absolute pain to deal with as far as manager's and officials are concerned.

With everyone's lives seemingly running at 100mph, one of the growth trades at present is regarding pre-packed sandwiches. Certainly here in the UK, even small shops such as the one where I work stock a selection of ready-made up sandwiches and it has to be said that they are very popular. However, if you want a simple cheese or ham salad, then they are getting increasingly harder to find as the manafacturers ease towards a more exotic style of filling (and price) which is guaranteed to have to licking your chops or turning away in disgust. Two of the more recent ones I've seen are lamb and mint sauce fillings or roast beef and horseradish sauce, which sounds lovely on the dinner table, but not quite as appetizing between two slices of bread. Equally, and I'm pushing my luck a little here, I've never seen my fave filling anywhere either, so if anyone spots a corner beef and tomato sauce sandwich, let me know! One final thing, are people's lives really that hectic that they cannot find 5-10 minutes to make their own sandwiches?

Yes, I know it's only the Sunday tabloids aka the rumour mill, however two stories caught my eye in today's selection of red tops. Firstly, its said that Harry Kewell is to sign for his new club tomorrow and it will be....Liverpool! According to one paper, the £7m deal was only allowed if Leeds didnt know which club he was joining and would only be told on completion of the deal! Equally, another claim that Man United will officially sign Ronaldinho from PSG shortly after they made a deal with Real Madrid that they would release Carlos Queiroz from his Old Trafford commitments, if Real pulled out of the bidding for the Brazilian! Now, whether there is a shread of truth in either of these stories is anyone's guess, but you could argue that there's no smoke without fire! What I am certain of though is that the fans, the ones that effectively keep the clubs going, are surely not aware of the majority of dealings in and around their club and how a backhander here and a friendly `pact` there, is part and parcel of the game and goes on whether we like it or not. As they say, truth is often stranger than fiction!

I'm not 100% in my daughter's good books at the moment, although I can't really blame her in truth. She has one of those Tinkerbell drinking bottles which has a pop-up tube to drink through when you press a little catch at the front. Now, despite being told NOT to put fizzy drinks in there, I felt that some cold lemonade would be fine last night considering the heat of the day. Unknown to me, the pressure builds up inside and is only released when the tube pops up, which it did and in the process, showered my daughter with cool, sparkling lemonade! Once I'd calmer her down and assured her that it wouldn't happen again, I settled down to eat my tea, only for a few minutes later, a voice to yell from upstairs ,"Dad, it happened again!!" and then the sight of our nine year old at the top of the stairs with a lemonade-pebble dashed T-shirt and hair that sparkled! Try as I might, I couldnt keep a straight face!